Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Immaculate Conception

So it's a common thing on blogs for women to record the birth story of their children. And I mean, c'mon, what chick doesn't love hearing the momentous stories of a woman's life - how you met your spouse; how he proposed; etc. It's the staple of every wedding shower.

One story that's not told very often, however, is the tale of conception of your child. Now I'm not talking about the nitty gritty details - I think we can all guess how the actual conception took place! I mean more the circumstances surrounding it. So I thought I would tell that story now, just so that I have the record for myself when I'm furious with my 16 year old son and wonder why I ever wanted him in the first place! I'll be able to come back here and read about how much I yearned for him.

So here's the Conception Story of LB.

Adders and I sat down at the beginning of January 2009 and started to write out a list of things we wanted to accomplish in the next year. The very first thing I put on the list was "Take a big trip to Italy." And while Adders and I had discussed this trip before, I guess he thought it was only a hypothetical discussion and had no real plans to actually make the trip, let alone in the next 12 months. I, on the other hand, was determined that we were going to take a two week vacation to Europe before we had kids. And since I was starting to get that urge to reproduce (anticipating that it would probably happen when I was 29), I thought we better go off and enjoy ourselves in Tuscany pretty darn quick.

We discussed. We fought. It escalated into a full-blown fight. We never finished our list.

After that I was consumed with the re-election of my MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE EX-BOSS and so babies were the farthest thing from my mind. But at the end of the campaign in mid-May, when I returned to my regular job, I was worn out. I was done. There was nothing left for me to get out of my current occupation. However, I was paralyzed as to know what to do next. I didn't know if I wanted to start a new career, or go back to school. I didn't know if I wanted kids yet, and didn't think I was quite ready (it was the finality of our current life that scared me). I had no idea. I was stuck.

Thankfully, God intervened. And I truly believe that. On Wednesday, July 29th I was fired. And although I was SOOOOOO upset and cried and was furious and RAWWWRRR, it was also the best thing that could have happened to me. I would have wasted so much more time sitting stagnant in that job. I also wouldn't have gotten pregnant with this Lil' Bastard when I did.

The irony is the week before I got fired but when I knew that the firing was a distinct possibility, Adders and I had a discussion about what we would do IF the firing took place. And I remember saying, "Well, we'll get pregnant. Why not?!"

And yet, in the immediate week after the incident, we decided to put having kids officially on the backburner. I needed to find a new job. I needed to stop Adders from committing murder on my boss. And I needed to just think.

So I did that: I thought. And thought. And then over-thought. And my thinking resulted in my getting into a panic over the state of my existence (just go read the posts from last August and you'll see!).

I also had people's various opinions circulating through my thoughts. When I mentioned babies to my mother-in-law, she gently suggested that maybe the timing wasn't right. However, when I mentioned pregnancy to my mom, she was the other extreme - "Have a baby RIGHT NOW. Seriously, why aren't you two having sex? GO MAKE A BABY!"

I was stumped. I prayed about it but I still didn't know what to do, either about a baby or about a career. I had no idea what I really wanted. And really, this was all in like the first 24 hours after my firing (Me: "It's been 3 hours since I've been fired! I have no job prospects! We're all going to die!" Adders: "Kill. Me. Now.").

On the night of Saturday, August 8th Adders and I were in bed, you know, ummm, getting frisky. And the baby thing came up again. And we decided then and there to once again NOT get pregnant but instead let our lives settle down and figure things out first.

On the night of Sunday, August 9th, I lay in bed and felt a familiar twinge on the right side of my uterus. My ovary was throbbing - a sign that I was beginning ovulation. I felt conflicted - oh, how a part of me just wanted to get pregnant right then and there. But no, stick to the plan - FIGURE THINGS OUT FIRST.

On Monday, August 10th, I went for a summer afternoon walk with my mom. The topic of babies came up. I mentioned I was ovulating. She asked me what I was really waiting for. Wasn't this the perfect time to have a baby? I didn't have an answer.

On Tuesday, August 11th, Adders went off to work and I wandered around the house, before deciding to finally take Lucy for her morning walk. I try to make this little walk a prayer walk and a morning ritual. This morning was no different except that I prayed earnestly about this baby once again. And I will never forget where I was walking on the path or how that moment felt when I suddenly just had this peace about the entire situation and my answer from God. Go ahead. Have this baby, He said.

By the time I got home, I was ecstatic. And nervous. And couldn't be sure I was even ovulating anymore. But hummdinger did I suddenly want to get pregnant. Adders came through the door at lunch. I let him eat, we chit-chatted a bit. And then I finally told him, "I think we should get pregnant. I really think now's the time. I just have this peace about it." My ever-typical laidback husband was like, "Yeah, well, okay." So I was all, "Great! Let's go upstairs?!" And he looked at me as if I was nuts, "NOW?!!! I have to go back to work! It's 12:40pm!" To which I replied something along the effect of being married for two years and who are we kidding - 5 minutes is plenty. Besides, we were on a tight time crunch. My egg was disintegrating as we spoke!

So off we went. And I believe that was the one and only occasion of lunchtime sex in our entire marriage. And here it was the time we conceived our son. Strange. And a little sad. Clearly we need to participate in a bit more afternoon delight!

After it was over, I lay on the bed, wondering if it would actually work, if this was actually happening. A cold fear came upon me and I suddenly thought, "Oh fuck, what have I done." But I was also extremely excited. And yet, for the most part I doubted that I would actually get pregnant. I thought my ovulation was pretty much over. And we only had sex once! Don't most people take like 6 months to conceive?

The next two weeks were spent in anticipation and doubt. I refused glasses of wine at one dinner, only to drink a cooler out on the golf course. I nonchalantly ate sushi with my mom and brother, only to lay in bed at the cabin panicked about it later that night.

I didn't tell anyone what we had done, save my mother. Her and I spent the majority of the next two weeks at the cabin by ourselves, seeing only Adders and my dad on the weekend. On Saturday, August 22nd I got up in a pissy mood. I felt hormonal and PMSy and lo and behold, there was blood on my panties. My period had arrived.

The depth of my disappointment took me by surprise. I mean, there was always next month and the month after that. Hadn't I been the one to say that the chances of actually being pregnant were unlikely. But when Adders showed up at the lake in the afternoon, I took him into our room and fell into his arms and cried. He, of course, thought I was crazy and just tried to talk some sense into me.

When I told my Mom that I had gotten my period she got all philosophical on me but then said, "Well, I didn't really think you were pregnant." Ha! Famous last words!

I spotted on Saturday and Sunday. But by Monday my period had mysteriously disappeared. This was strange. I had heard of "implantation bleeding" when the fertilized egg implants itself on the wall of the uterus and wondered if this is indeed what had happened.

I casually mentioned it to my mom but then just dropped it. However, Wednesday morning I stepped out of the shower and happened to catch a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror. Weird but honest to God my breasts looked different. The aerolas were darker. And yes, I know this is way too much information but it's the truth! I started to get a bit excited. Part of me wanted to rush down to the drugstore and purchase a pregnancy test right away.

BUT. I had always wanted to find out I was pregnant WITH my husband, not before him. Also, I had two perfectly good tests sitting in the linen closet at home so I'd have to wait until we drove back from the cabin to to find out.

As we drove home, I got a call regarding a fabulous job opportunity to head up another campaign. Compensation would be extremely lucrative. I set up the interview and was excited but distracted. Baby or no baby - it's all I could think about, a new job be damned!

I got home, unpacked, paced around the house. Finally I decided to walk to the grocery store a block away to get one or two things. I clearly remember walking back home, the hot August sun brightening the whole world, looking at my watch, and wondering how I'd endure another 20 minutes till Adders got home. I walked carefully and deliberately, thinking to myself, "I could be pregnant right now! In 20 minutes my life is about to change." I think at that point I pretty much knew.

Adders walked in the door. I jumped at him. "We have to take a pregnancy test straight away!" He was less excited and tried to put it off. "Right now? Why right now? Let's do it later." I could tell he was nervous, although when I called him on it, he protested. He just wasn't as convinced as I was.

Nevertheless, I got out the test and peed on the stick. We laid it on the counter and set the microwave timer and went and sat on the couch. I was on pins and needles. He just laughed. The timer went off. I couldn't believe how terrified I was. I mean, considering the circumstances on which we had taken previous pregnancy tests (all performed when unmarried with me hysterical and convinced they would be positive, which would then make me a whore for the rest of my life), this time it should have been so much different. But it wasn't. We were both petrified and both unwilling at first to check the results.

Adders suddenly jumped up first but I was right on his tail. He looked at it and said, "I don't know! I think it might be positive but I don't know. Maybe it's negative." I looked at it too. Then I looked at the instructions. Negative? Still unsure. Looked again. Nope, definitely positive. OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S POSITIVE.

Adders said, "So I guess this means you're pregnant!" I was so flustered I didn't know what to say or do. I cried, I hugged him, I laughed, but mostly I just stared at that stick. And then I rushed upstairs to get out the other different brand test.

Again we went through it. This time the result was clear with a perfectly labelled + sign telling us our answer. A baby on its way, good freakin' Lord!

Ever the organizer, I spent all of 10 minutes celebrating with Adders (though it was less of a celebration than a daze of wonder and stupour, spent just staring slackjawed at one another) before phoning to make an appointment with my doctor for the next day.

We then decided to head to McD's for dinner. With child, I dutifully decided to forgo my regular Diet Coke and drink chocolate milk instead. And I ordered a Quarter Pounder - no more fucking teeny tiny cheeseburgers for me. I needed protein now!

We also decided to hold off on the telling of the grandparents until things could be confirmed with the doctor. And yet that night we already had plans for a visit to his parents. So I sat in his mother's kitchen, making chit-chat, all the while feeling like the cat that just swallowed the canary, so pleased I was with my secret.

The next morning Adders went off to work, and I got ready for my doctor's appointment. But first, I took another pregnancy test, just to make sure that the baby hadn't disappeared during the night or something. Nope. Still pregnant.

I packed the tests in my purse and went off to the doctor who was pleasantly surprised to hear that I was expecting. He ordered me downstairs for a blood test, though not before telling me this story of a crazy lady who came into his office, claiming she was pregnant and carrying around used pregnancy tests, only to go through the lab test and find out she wasn't a bit pregnant. I laughed uncomfortably and got my first twinge of nervousness. I decided not to mention the pee sticks that were sitting at the bottom of my own bag.

For whatever reason, I decided to sit and wait for my test results to come back, rather than wait for his call like he had offered. A good while passed before my doctor called me into his office - this couldn't be a good sign. And no, no it wasn't. Apparently I wasn't pregnant. I WAS THE CRAZY PEE STICK LADY. I told him about the three positive pregnancy tests. He shrugged his shoulders and said maybe I had been pregnant but had miscarried. "But I took a test this morning!" Again, all I got was a shrug. But he decided to send me down for another blood test just in case. The nurse stared at me puzzled that I was back so soon. "Apparently my test came back negative but he just wants to double check," I explained. She said nothing to me but took my blood.

I shuffled out to my car - mortified, humiliated, but most of all oh so bitterly disappointed. How could this have happened? And oh, how I suddenly longed for this baby, this one that apparently didn't even exist. I got home. Adders was already there for lunch. I collapsed into a pile of tears, sobbing that I wasn't pregnant. He had only begun to comfort me when my cell phone went off and there was my doctor's name on the caller display. I tried to clear my voice so I didn't sound as devastated as I felt.

I was greeted with apologies. There was a mistake in the lab, he said. "You are pregnant!Congratulations! The nurse realized she made a mistake when you came back down to the lab and she came up and told me but you had already left. So again, congrats! Start taking vitamins!"

I hung up and started crying all over again. Adders hugged me and laughed and then said the doctor should be shot. But what meant so much to me is that I got to know how I truly felt about this pregnancy - twice I had been confronted with possibly not being pregnant (the bleeding and the doctor's office) and both times I had been surprised by how upset I was. Clearly this baby was what I really wanted, even more so that I could consciously acknowledge.

Adders went back to work. I drove up to my mom's. She was on her computer. I took out a pregnancy test, placed it in front of her and said, "I guess you're not always as right as you think you are." She stared at the test confused before I had to explain, "It's positive." Apparently, this was the first time she had ever seen a pregnancy test up close and personal. Finally she understood and jumped and screamed and hugged me.

And thus my journey with LB began.

We are now in the midst of our 26th week together. He kicks furiously and at all times of the day. He particularly enjoys connecting with my bladder and the bottom right side of my ribcage. The mere thought of him not existing still makes me cry because so many of my hopes and dreams have now been pinned on him (no pressure, little guy!). His placenta is fine. There is no cyst. But apparently he's hogging all of my insulin. Iron too. He clearly doesn't like to share, just like his mother. Big plans are being made for his room. It's been painted. The furniture has been ordered. We are anticipating our lives with him.
It's weird to love someone so much that you don't even know the first thing about (other than their kicking preferences). But by gosh, it's also incredibly amazing.
P.S. I did get my two week trip to Italy with Adders. We took LB with us at 10 weeks. He had a great time and generously allowed me to eat anything I wanted!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Who doesn't love a good survey?

There must be a meme going around or else Charkins is really bored at work because she said me MORE questions to answer. I am not bored at work but can never resist filling out a form, regardless of format. So here are my answers:

Favorite Jolly Rancher flavor:

It used to be green apple. Now I wouldn't suck on a Jolly Rancher if someone paid me. Instant headache and just bleeeech.

Favorite pair of shoes:

I love my new boots. And I still hold a special spot in my heart for my my soft gold wedge sandals that I could run a marathon in, they're so comfy. But the ones I would consider my favourite even though I don't wear them hardly at all are my hot pink satin stilettos with the bow over the toes. TOO CUTE. And I got them for cheap. But they're sassy and fabulous, and who doesn't want to feel sassy and fabulous!

Favorite picture of yourself:

A candid wedding shot that someone in the audience took during our ceremony, just after Adders and I signed the registry. I'm staring at him with the widest smile on my face and I just look ecstatic. It's the happiest I've ever seen myself, even though I didn't even realize I was that happy in that moment.

Favorite book you've read in the past two years:

God, I have no idea. Is it shameful to admit that I really enjoyed the Twilight series? Yes, that's pretty embarrassing. I've read a lot of good books, especially last summer. But now I can't remember a single one, forget naming a favourite. Oh, I know - The Thirteenth Tale. EXCELLENT book. Adders got it for me for Christmas last year and I really enjoyed it (reading it on the beach in Mexico may have contributed to that though!).

Hardest you've laughed in the past 6 months:

Another thing I don't remember. But I can guarantee you it was with Joel. It was probably the weekend when he and Tamara Lee joined Adders and me to play in the Bocce Tournament. That was pretty fun. Or some dinner table conversation at the 'Bin last summer. I always laugh the hardest when Joel is around.

Favorite thing to do on a Saturday:

Make waffles for breakfast! But even more than that, I love waking up and just lying in bed with Adders and throwing Lucy's squeaky toy around the bedroom as we cuddle under the covers and chat about whatever.

Best memory of Lucy:

Good grief. These questions are impossible. NO IDEA. I can tell you my favourite things about Lucy - how her bum wiggles when she's REALLY happy to see you, how she yawns when she gets excited, that even if you leave the house for less than 30 seconds it's still a major event when you return. But my favourite memory of her? No clue. I'll leave you with this memory - two years ago we went quadding down at Koocanusa in the river bottom. Now Lucers LOVES to chase the quad and so we let her but she got so covered in mud she was completely brown. It was just so funny to see this drenched muddy brown pint-sized dog chasing our quad to and fro.

Most memorable meal of the past year:

Last Valentine's Day, instead of going out, Adders and I went cross-country skiing and then came home and made our own batch of raviolis and meatballs and tomato sauce and it was HEAVENLY. The other meal that sticks out in my head is at this restaurant we went to in Montepulciano, Italy. We were the only people there (i.e. we were WAY too early as no true Italian would be caught dead eating out at 7:30pm) and so go the best table in the place. And Adders for whatever reason let us splurge. So we got the cheese plate and appetizers and main course and pasta and dessert. And even though I couldn't drink, I had to take a few sips of the champagne the maitre d' brought over. It was so delicious and just so memorable.

Favorite wine:

God, it's been so long I hardly remember! My favourite kind is Riesling. Sweet, crisp, white and lovely. And no it doesn't taste like Kool-Aid!

Things you have changed about yourself that you wish had stayed the same:

My hair! Although I didn't really change that. I'm not as anal about my weight anymore and while that may be a good thing in some regard, I'm certainly not as disciplined either, which frustrates me. I'm also not as big of a reader. I am in the summer, which is weird (I'm guessing it's all that lounging at the lake). But in the winter, when I'm certainly bored and starved for entertainment other than TV, I fill the time stupidly like with puttering around the house and being anal about housework. I'm trying to change that though and go back to always having a book on the go.

Best thing you've learned from your husband:

The value in getting along with people (not that I always do that) and that being laid-back and easy-going are tremendous virtues.

Worst thing you've learned from your husband:

Table manners (his are terrible and they're rubbing off on me) and spending too much time in front of the TV. I was raised in a strict no-movies on school nights environment.

What you eat most regularly for breakfast:

Cereal. Every morning. The cereal changes (Life, All-Bran; Special K; Shreddies) but it's almost always cereal.

How many times a week to do see your mom:

On average - 3 or 4?

Last time you went to the dentist:

Hmmm. No clue. Absolutely no idea. Late last spring I believe.

Favorite thing about your house:

It's cozy and cute and modern but still warm and inviting and personal but not too eclectic. I really do love it. It and the big backyard.

Next big trip you want to do (not Mexico):

Go to Greece with my entire family and rent a boat and sail around the islands. There has been talk about doing this for years but so far nothing has materialized. Also for whatever reason I want to go to Florida with Adders. Bizarre, I know. But I'd love to see the Florida Keys and check out Miami. And Adders has never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld...

Best wedding you've been to in the past year?

What a leading question. Seriously?!!! Charkins' wedding hands down. It was glorious and it featured ME!

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

The Charkins Interview: II

As many of our faithful readers will recall, a few years ago we featured an exclusive interview with Miss Courty, conducted by the Charkins herself. It was at once both thrilling and gripping to get an inside look at the life and times of Miss Courty. And yet Charkins has decided to take a break from her busy schedule of newlywed sex and making her new husband lunches to provide us that insight once again. Without further ado, the Charkins Interview, part deux:

Good morning Courtney! It's been awhile since we last met over an interview, I trust you've been well? Actually I know you've been well, and I know that you have been up to quite a lot! As a result I have come up with a few questions to help update your readers on who you really are in this the first week of 2010!

1. First question and I'm sure the question on everybody's mind--what will you be wearing for the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympic Games?!

Haven't you heard? Me and PGC (that's Premier Campbell for the rest of you nobodies) are currently on the outs. I absolutely despise this whole HST nonsense (7% tax hike on hamburgers? What is this - communist Russia?) and thus have declined to attend the Olympic Opening Ceremonies as my own personal protest. So I will just be wearing what I normally wear to lounge around the house and watch TV - diamonds and nothing else.

2. Almost as important as what will you be wearing for the Olympics, what will Lucy be wearing?!

Well, she already has the most gorgeous white fur, with a hint of auburn and so thick and silky that it almost makes her mother jealous, that I doubt she'd need anything else. However, for Christmas she got the most darling pink polka dot collar that really, it's all she needs. It's so versatile it easyily goes from day to evening wear, just like that. Of course, if we do decide to take in any events, Lucy still has her purple and pink parka with the matching booties that she's only been photographed in save once or twice. I think that would do in a pinch.

3.Can't wait to see those outfits! Now a lot has happened over the last couple of years including the tragic loss of your natural curls. Now I know this is a hard issue for you to discuss, but the last time I interviewed you, you admitted that you used to lay awake at night worrying that your hair was too perfect. Since your hair has played such a huge role in your self image how are you coping with the loss and who is your support team in your rehabilitation process?

Let me tell you something - you finally find out who your friends are when the chips are down. And when my curls abandoned me, so did everyone else. It was tragic. Horrible. A disgrace. It's like they loved the curls more than me! It's been a long 2+ years as I've coped with becoming a (shudder) ordinary person who has to (ugh) DO THEIR FUCKING HAIR every morning. I've invested in curling irons and hot rollers and hair dryers. Still, it hurts. But there is rainbow at the end of this thunderstorm and it is this - I may have found the messiah, the holy grail if you will, of hair care products for curls. It's called Deva Curl. And if I do say so myself, my curls, well, they're on the rebound. Of course, the product is available only in Canada at Holt Renfrew hair salons (quelle surprise!), making it almost as exclusive as moi.

4. Why do you think God took away your curls? Or perhaps it wasn't God. A recent theory out of The Harvard Science and Research Centre suggests that your long loved lost Cat Riley P. Pudding Tat is behind the loss of your curls. Studies show that once you adopted Lucy your memories of Riley slowed down resulting in Riley puking in heaven and seeking his revenge by taking away your curls. What is your response to this theory?

Ha! The things that pass as tabloid rumours! Darling, Charkins, don't believe everything you hear. Riley P. Pudding Tat and I still commune on a spiritual level and trust me, we've never been closer than we are now. Some people have psychics on their payroll, I have my dead cat. He's a muse, if you will. Is he a teensy tiny bit jealous of Lucy? Perhaps, although unlike her, he was welcome to sleep with me any night of the week. But I do know this - Riser is not behind CurlGate. Oh, no. We know who caused this disaster to occur. His name starts with Add and ends with Ers. It was him and the sex and the prevention of the babies that did this to me, I just know it.

5. This past November you were the Maid of Honour in this years most exciting event--My Wedding! Can you tell me what it felt like to be a part of the most talked about event of the year?

Well, there is nothing Miss Courty loves more than a wee bit of drama and what can I tell you, this event was DRAMA FILLED. From cat fights to sobbing speeches to Joel getting it on with any and all willing bridesmaids, it was a glorious event. I was simply honoured to be a part of it, despite being the size of a dairy cow.

6. And what did you HONESTLY think of my hair?

First of all, I honestly thought you looked gorgeous and beautiful and that's what you should be focusing on, not your hair. Seriously. But I honestly thought she could have done a better job. I don't think it's as bad as you seem to think it is. In fact, I thought it was still lovely and beautiful. But yes, I agree she could have added more braids. However, lest I remind you, you will ALWAYS have regrets about your wedding day and what you would have done differently. And let's not forget that I had a bit of a hair disaster at my own wedding, what with the gale force winds, the attacking veil and the fact that my dear sweet husband drove the convertible at 140km/h, resulting in my looking like Bridget Jones after her own convertible ride. So that's just life. And if you had worn your hair down, it might have fallen and you would have been disappointed with that. You looked beautiful. That's all that matters. Let the rest go.

7. And what did you HONESTLY think of the wedding itself?

I'm telling you, it was a great wedding. The cake was delicious, the dinner was to die for, I loved that you got actual bells to chime on your wedding day (bitch), Sergei was a bit frightening but we moved past that, the bridesmaid dresses were perfect, I adored you walking down the aisle to the mini-orchestra playing Colplay. It was a gorgeous wedding and the proof is in your wedding video. Gee, a wedding video. That must be such a wonderful keepsake to have. SOB!

8. Ok so tell me more about how I looked on my wedding day?

Wow. I think we've covered this off. There are only so many compliments Miss Courty can dole out in a given day. But yes, you were gorgeous and dramatic in your ivory dress with the red train.

9. Why thank you! Now on this blog you have announced that you are having a son! A baby boy who will look like the sweetest little baby that you and Adders could create. Now since you don't have a name for him just yet, what do you think of the name, Chark? or how about Charley?

No. Just no. We plan on loving this child, not condemning him to a lifetime of misery.

10. At what point during your labour do you think you will poop the bed?

I don't have the faintest clue what you're talking about. Poop? Bed?

11. At what point during your labour do you think Adders will puke?

Well, it's still being debated whether Adders will even get to be present during labour so I really can't say for sure. That being said, if he does puke, he will surely die. By me. Maybe not on our son's actual birth day. But shortly thereafter. And I will collect the insurance money and live happily ever after, knowing that I am better off having murdered a man who distracts attention away from his labouring wife by PUKING IN THE DELIVERY ROOM.

12. At what point during your labour do you think you will beg for an epidural and the doctors will say, "Too late Lady! We've got to go in with forceps!"

Can we just go along with the fantasy I've created in my head where I give birth naturally with a chain of daisies around my neck, singing songs of love and laughter and there is no pain and all that's required of me is one meagre little push and out comes my beautiful bouncing baby boy with no mucus or white crap smeared all over him? Hmmm? Can't we? Because there is the possibility that could happen.

13. At what point during this interview will you decide to never speak to me again?

Are we currently speaking? I wasn't sure. Our relationship is like driving in the mountains - expect sudden and drastic changes in the driving conditions at any given moment! But if we are speaking, wonderful. If we aren't, Hate. You.

14. Moving along, Can you tell the people what your favorite part of being pregnant is?

I wish I could say all of the attention. And yet, I'm not receiving nearly enough attention yet. Like how big do you have to be before people start offering you free massages and presents? When does that part take place? Because I'm certainly looking forward to that.

15. It has been said that you make a beautiful mother, said by me, and I wonder what you are most looking forward to about being a mother (besides not working)?

I guess I should answer this one somewhat seriously. And here's my serious answer. I HAVE NO IDEA. I think I'm most looking forward to the prospect of creating a familiy. I mean, we're a little family right now, I guess, but like anything, I want it to expand and grow and so it's creating that culture of "us" that I'm looking forward to.

16. What part scares you the most about being a new mother?

That hysterical feeling you have when there's nothing you can do and my mom isn't there and Adders is at work and I can't get this baby to stop crying. And I feel ugly and fat and the house is a disaster and we have no groceries and I haven't slept in days and OH MY GOD WHY WON'T THIS BABY STOP CRYING?! That's what I'm most dreading. Also I'm dreading Adders stressing me out. Because as if I won't be stressed enough if we're out in public and the baby starts screaming, I already know Adders is not going to be able to handle it all and will start FREAKING OUT, as in "DOOOO SOMETHING! GET HIM OUT OF HERE! OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" So yeah, that. Particularly if that takes place on an airplane where there is no escape.

17. Do you think you have spent more money on pregnancy clothes or on your mortgage in the past year?

This is certainly up for debate. Depends on if you combine what I spent on pregnancy clothes or if you add in what my mother spent on pregnancy clothes for me. If it's the latter, well, let's just say our mortgage could be paid off by now if I wasn't expecting.

18. Who do you think your mom loves more, Lucy or Joel?

Toughest question of the bunch. I'll have to pass. It's really too close to determine.

19. At what point in your live did you realize that you could not and would not live without me?

Right now. When I realized that I have been writing replies to all these questions for like 7 hours now even though I have loads of work to do and yet I pity your work boredom and thus will generously give you something to read. Because I am charitable like that.

20.Are you going to send your children to our old high school or have the Redhead teach them grade 11 math in the living room while also teaching her Granny Classes on how Grannies can improve their Granny S*x lives (if any granny is going to teach those classes it will be Granny Redhead!).

Well, considering Mr. Grant was supposed to bomb that institution into oblivion over a decade ago, I'm really not comfortable sending me prushus first born to that hell-hole. But considering the education I was given during my one stint at home-schooling, good God, the options are bleak.

21. What are your dreams for 2010?

The easiest labour that has ever taken place ever in the history of the entire galaxy. A healthy baby, preferably one that is both good-looking and sleeps through the night. A husband who is at once the most attentive, loving, tender spouse and the most attentive, loving, tender father. The ability to breast-feed, and do it easily. A better vehicle. The ability to lose weight fast without actually having to, you know, exercise. Peace on earth. More chocolate. No stretch marks. Finding the perfect crib. Paying down our mortgage. Being more content in the now. Laughing lots. Oh, and making lots of demands about my baby shower! :)

Well that's all the time we have for today. Thanks for taking the time away from eating your peanut butter and honey sandwich to talk to me. Let's not wait so long before we do this again! It's been a blast--I can't wait to read your answers!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Nursery News and Recent Resolutions

Soooo. We have purchased some nursery bedding. And have started the hunt for a crib. Hurrah! We aren't complete selfish losers who have no right to be procreating. We were in Calgary last weekend and found an adorable set of bedding (with lamp and mobile) for LB. It's a gorgeous seafoam blue, yellow and beige with pictures of tractors and bobcats on it. If he's anything like his dad, the baby will love staring at those truck designs. But the bedding is surprisingly soft; not too masculine for a teeny tiny baby and well, I'm just relieved Adders didn't insist on doing up the nursery in cammo.

While in Calgary, we scoured the baby stores. Adders teased me that I was in heaven, spending the day shopping for baby stuff. And it was fun, except for going to this one store. Most baby shops are smart - they're bright and clean and spacious with soft music playing. But this one store was like the apocalypse and I am not joking. It was crowded with furniture and strollers. And then jam-packed with parents toting their screaming 1, 2, 3 year olds behind them. It was chaos and loud and the shrieking and yelling was jarring. Adders turned to me in the truck after making our escape, "Sooooo, about that abortion..."

He was joking, although we both just laughed uncomfortably because my friends, we saw our future and it was dark and horrible. I mean, I tried to reassure Adders by saying that unlike what we wanted to do to all those children in that store, surely to goodness we won't to drop-kick our own progeny. He's not as convinced. I think it was the pandemonium that got to me. And the chaos. And the noise, oh God, the noise.

I don't like any of those things. Hell, it's going to be hard for me to adjust to just having baby crap displayed around the house (as it stands right now, even Lucy gets a lecture when she strews her toys about. I do like everything in order and in place. Adders says I want to live in a show home, I say that like Monica I just want to be prepared in case the Queen stops by). Side story: my mother-in-law told me a story about her friend's daughter who hires a baby-sitter to come take her kids out of the house so that she can clean it. And my mother-in-law as all, "Isn't that crazy? If you're going to hire a baby-sitter, make it worthwhile, go shopping, get a massage, get out of the house? Who hires a sitter so they can clean?" And I was all, "So where does this chick live? And how can we become friends?" Because that is SO going to be me.

Anyhow, I felt like I was supposed to go somewhere with this post and have now just run in aimless circles. So besides us feeling terrified for the screaming baby, here is the latest update on the pregnancy:

- I'm hungry still but not any hungrier than I ever was, at least I don't think I am. It's hard to remember that far back.

- I may have found my first new stretch mark. It's just longer and thicker but still located where my old ones were, which of course, on my fat ass. Sigh. And here I thought I was beating the stretch marks at their own game.

- Had my first meltdown of the "I haven't felt the baby move in the past few hours. He must be dead! I've killed our baby!" variety on Sunday night. Was guilt-induced because I went for another hot-tub (I know - I really do suck at this motherhood thing. Also, read online today that "Peanuts! Why you must avoid them when pregnant!" as I chowed down on my peanut butter sandwich. I can't help myself though. Giving up peanut butter is like giving up water at this point. I NEED MY PB). Anyhow, so yeah, went for hot tub at parents' house, came home, watched movie, noticed that the baby didn't seem as active as he normally would at that time. Started bawling to Adders, made him put flashlight on belly, still no response, put into bed forcibly by Adders while still crying, only to lay down and immediately be pummelled by kicks to my kidney. Even Adders felt LB whaling away on me.

- I'm feeling a bit calmer however about planning for the baby. I feel like we have the nursery underway and already there has been discussion (which in our household means an argument) about what colours exactly will be painted below the chair rail that Adders has planned. I plan to go back to Calgary in a month with either Adders or my mom to purchase a crib and a bunch of baby paraphenlia like bottles and diapers and stuff like that.

Oh, I know - the one thing I wanted to discuss in this post was New Year's resolutions. So here are my two:

1) I mentioned this a few weeks ago but I haven't changed my behaviour at all since then. So now I'm really determined to make this a focus in 2010. What I need to do is learn to embrace the now and not be so stressed about the future or even about the things that aren't perfect in the present. Seriously. Like, take yesterday for example. I had to go on a daytrip with my boss which was going to take all day. Like 10 hours in a car together. And I was dreading it. DREADING it. I had that horrible pit in my stomach. And I whined. First to Tamara Lee, then my husband, even my mother who is in Mexico had to hear about how terrible this day was going to be. And yet the trip? Not so bad. Actually kind of interesting. And once again I was reminded that wow, wait to waste so much valuable energy stressing about something that in the end totally wasn't worth stressing about. So I'm really going to try and master this over the next year, or at least make SOME sort of head-way in controlling my emotions.

Which leads me to my second resolution:

2) SUCKING THINGS UP. You know, I wasn't even all that aware that I was so bad at sucking things up until my Mom turned to me in Vancouver one morning as we were putting on our makeup and I was complaining about something or other that Adders had done to annoy me and she said, "Yeah, but Courts, you never suck anything up." And instead of being offended, it was like "Bam!" instant realization and clarity. I don't suck up anything. I don't let much slide, I don't suck much up, and if something's not going my way I whine and complain until it does or until I finally come to the realization that I don't have much choice. Hell, that's what I'm doing with this job (every day to Adders: "why does the universe hate me? why can't it be May? why do I have to go to work? why does it have to be so far away? why do I have to be bored? why? why? WHY?!).

I know everyone else is like "Eeeee-rrrrrr" because they knew this already about me. And I knew it too. But I guess it was the first time that I fully realized it and said to myself, "God, that's terrible behaviour. I really want to change it." The proof is in the pudding because when I told Adders that this was my New Year's resolution, he may have wept tears of joy and relief.

So there you have it. The two things I want to improve upon myself on 2010. And just to prove I can do it I'm going to post this blog entry now and do some actual work. And not even complain about it. At all. :)