Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Immaculate Conception

So it's a common thing on blogs for women to record the birth story of their children. And I mean, c'mon, what chick doesn't love hearing the momentous stories of a woman's life - how you met your spouse; how he proposed; etc. It's the staple of every wedding shower.

One story that's not told very often, however, is the tale of conception of your child. Now I'm not talking about the nitty gritty details - I think we can all guess how the actual conception took place! I mean more the circumstances surrounding it. So I thought I would tell that story now, just so that I have the record for myself when I'm furious with my 16 year old son and wonder why I ever wanted him in the first place! I'll be able to come back here and read about how much I yearned for him.

So here's the Conception Story of LB.

Adders and I sat down at the beginning of January 2009 and started to write out a list of things we wanted to accomplish in the next year. The very first thing I put on the list was "Take a big trip to Italy." And while Adders and I had discussed this trip before, I guess he thought it was only a hypothetical discussion and had no real plans to actually make the trip, let alone in the next 12 months. I, on the other hand, was determined that we were going to take a two week vacation to Europe before we had kids. And since I was starting to get that urge to reproduce (anticipating that it would probably happen when I was 29), I thought we better go off and enjoy ourselves in Tuscany pretty darn quick.

We discussed. We fought. It escalated into a full-blown fight. We never finished our list.

After that I was consumed with the re-election of my MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE EX-BOSS and so babies were the farthest thing from my mind. But at the end of the campaign in mid-May, when I returned to my regular job, I was worn out. I was done. There was nothing left for me to get out of my current occupation. However, I was paralyzed as to know what to do next. I didn't know if I wanted to start a new career, or go back to school. I didn't know if I wanted kids yet, and didn't think I was quite ready (it was the finality of our current life that scared me). I had no idea. I was stuck.

Thankfully, God intervened. And I truly believe that. On Wednesday, July 29th I was fired. And although I was SOOOOOO upset and cried and was furious and RAWWWRRR, it was also the best thing that could have happened to me. I would have wasted so much more time sitting stagnant in that job. I also wouldn't have gotten pregnant with this Lil' Bastard when I did.

The irony is the week before I got fired but when I knew that the firing was a distinct possibility, Adders and I had a discussion about what we would do IF the firing took place. And I remember saying, "Well, we'll get pregnant. Why not?!"

And yet, in the immediate week after the incident, we decided to put having kids officially on the backburner. I needed to find a new job. I needed to stop Adders from committing murder on my boss. And I needed to just think.

So I did that: I thought. And thought. And then over-thought. And my thinking resulted in my getting into a panic over the state of my existence (just go read the posts from last August and you'll see!).

I also had people's various opinions circulating through my thoughts. When I mentioned babies to my mother-in-law, she gently suggested that maybe the timing wasn't right. However, when I mentioned pregnancy to my mom, she was the other extreme - "Have a baby RIGHT NOW. Seriously, why aren't you two having sex? GO MAKE A BABY!"

I was stumped. I prayed about it but I still didn't know what to do, either about a baby or about a career. I had no idea what I really wanted. And really, this was all in like the first 24 hours after my firing (Me: "It's been 3 hours since I've been fired! I have no job prospects! We're all going to die!" Adders: "Kill. Me. Now.").

On the night of Saturday, August 8th Adders and I were in bed, you know, ummm, getting frisky. And the baby thing came up again. And we decided then and there to once again NOT get pregnant but instead let our lives settle down and figure things out first.

On the night of Sunday, August 9th, I lay in bed and felt a familiar twinge on the right side of my uterus. My ovary was throbbing - a sign that I was beginning ovulation. I felt conflicted - oh, how a part of me just wanted to get pregnant right then and there. But no, stick to the plan - FIGURE THINGS OUT FIRST.

On Monday, August 10th, I went for a summer afternoon walk with my mom. The topic of babies came up. I mentioned I was ovulating. She asked me what I was really waiting for. Wasn't this the perfect time to have a baby? I didn't have an answer.

On Tuesday, August 11th, Adders went off to work and I wandered around the house, before deciding to finally take Lucy for her morning walk. I try to make this little walk a prayer walk and a morning ritual. This morning was no different except that I prayed earnestly about this baby once again. And I will never forget where I was walking on the path or how that moment felt when I suddenly just had this peace about the entire situation and my answer from God. Go ahead. Have this baby, He said.

By the time I got home, I was ecstatic. And nervous. And couldn't be sure I was even ovulating anymore. But hummdinger did I suddenly want to get pregnant. Adders came through the door at lunch. I let him eat, we chit-chatted a bit. And then I finally told him, "I think we should get pregnant. I really think now's the time. I just have this peace about it." My ever-typical laidback husband was like, "Yeah, well, okay." So I was all, "Great! Let's go upstairs?!" And he looked at me as if I was nuts, "NOW?!!! I have to go back to work! It's 12:40pm!" To which I replied something along the effect of being married for two years and who are we kidding - 5 minutes is plenty. Besides, we were on a tight time crunch. My egg was disintegrating as we spoke!

So off we went. And I believe that was the one and only occasion of lunchtime sex in our entire marriage. And here it was the time we conceived our son. Strange. And a little sad. Clearly we need to participate in a bit more afternoon delight!

After it was over, I lay on the bed, wondering if it would actually work, if this was actually happening. A cold fear came upon me and I suddenly thought, "Oh fuck, what have I done." But I was also extremely excited. And yet, for the most part I doubted that I would actually get pregnant. I thought my ovulation was pretty much over. And we only had sex once! Don't most people take like 6 months to conceive?

The next two weeks were spent in anticipation and doubt. I refused glasses of wine at one dinner, only to drink a cooler out on the golf course. I nonchalantly ate sushi with my mom and brother, only to lay in bed at the cabin panicked about it later that night.

I didn't tell anyone what we had done, save my mother. Her and I spent the majority of the next two weeks at the cabin by ourselves, seeing only Adders and my dad on the weekend. On Saturday, August 22nd I got up in a pissy mood. I felt hormonal and PMSy and lo and behold, there was blood on my panties. My period had arrived.

The depth of my disappointment took me by surprise. I mean, there was always next month and the month after that. Hadn't I been the one to say that the chances of actually being pregnant were unlikely. But when Adders showed up at the lake in the afternoon, I took him into our room and fell into his arms and cried. He, of course, thought I was crazy and just tried to talk some sense into me.

When I told my Mom that I had gotten my period she got all philosophical on me but then said, "Well, I didn't really think you were pregnant." Ha! Famous last words!

I spotted on Saturday and Sunday. But by Monday my period had mysteriously disappeared. This was strange. I had heard of "implantation bleeding" when the fertilized egg implants itself on the wall of the uterus and wondered if this is indeed what had happened.

I casually mentioned it to my mom but then just dropped it. However, Wednesday morning I stepped out of the shower and happened to catch a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror. Weird but honest to God my breasts looked different. The aerolas were darker. And yes, I know this is way too much information but it's the truth! I started to get a bit excited. Part of me wanted to rush down to the drugstore and purchase a pregnancy test right away.

BUT. I had always wanted to find out I was pregnant WITH my husband, not before him. Also, I had two perfectly good tests sitting in the linen closet at home so I'd have to wait until we drove back from the cabin to to find out.

As we drove home, I got a call regarding a fabulous job opportunity to head up another campaign. Compensation would be extremely lucrative. I set up the interview and was excited but distracted. Baby or no baby - it's all I could think about, a new job be damned!

I got home, unpacked, paced around the house. Finally I decided to walk to the grocery store a block away to get one or two things. I clearly remember walking back home, the hot August sun brightening the whole world, looking at my watch, and wondering how I'd endure another 20 minutes till Adders got home. I walked carefully and deliberately, thinking to myself, "I could be pregnant right now! In 20 minutes my life is about to change." I think at that point I pretty much knew.

Adders walked in the door. I jumped at him. "We have to take a pregnancy test straight away!" He was less excited and tried to put it off. "Right now? Why right now? Let's do it later." I could tell he was nervous, although when I called him on it, he protested. He just wasn't as convinced as I was.

Nevertheless, I got out the test and peed on the stick. We laid it on the counter and set the microwave timer and went and sat on the couch. I was on pins and needles. He just laughed. The timer went off. I couldn't believe how terrified I was. I mean, considering the circumstances on which we had taken previous pregnancy tests (all performed when unmarried with me hysterical and convinced they would be positive, which would then make me a whore for the rest of my life), this time it should have been so much different. But it wasn't. We were both petrified and both unwilling at first to check the results.

Adders suddenly jumped up first but I was right on his tail. He looked at it and said, "I don't know! I think it might be positive but I don't know. Maybe it's negative." I looked at it too. Then I looked at the instructions. Negative? Still unsure. Looked again. Nope, definitely positive. OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S POSITIVE.

Adders said, "So I guess this means you're pregnant!" I was so flustered I didn't know what to say or do. I cried, I hugged him, I laughed, but mostly I just stared at that stick. And then I rushed upstairs to get out the other different brand test.

Again we went through it. This time the result was clear with a perfectly labelled + sign telling us our answer. A baby on its way, good freakin' Lord!

Ever the organizer, I spent all of 10 minutes celebrating with Adders (though it was less of a celebration than a daze of wonder and stupour, spent just staring slackjawed at one another) before phoning to make an appointment with my doctor for the next day.

We then decided to head to McD's for dinner. With child, I dutifully decided to forgo my regular Diet Coke and drink chocolate milk instead. And I ordered a Quarter Pounder - no more fucking teeny tiny cheeseburgers for me. I needed protein now!

We also decided to hold off on the telling of the grandparents until things could be confirmed with the doctor. And yet that night we already had plans for a visit to his parents. So I sat in his mother's kitchen, making chit-chat, all the while feeling like the cat that just swallowed the canary, so pleased I was with my secret.

The next morning Adders went off to work, and I got ready for my doctor's appointment. But first, I took another pregnancy test, just to make sure that the baby hadn't disappeared during the night or something. Nope. Still pregnant.

I packed the tests in my purse and went off to the doctor who was pleasantly surprised to hear that I was expecting. He ordered me downstairs for a blood test, though not before telling me this story of a crazy lady who came into his office, claiming she was pregnant and carrying around used pregnancy tests, only to go through the lab test and find out she wasn't a bit pregnant. I laughed uncomfortably and got my first twinge of nervousness. I decided not to mention the pee sticks that were sitting at the bottom of my own bag.

For whatever reason, I decided to sit and wait for my test results to come back, rather than wait for his call like he had offered. A good while passed before my doctor called me into his office - this couldn't be a good sign. And no, no it wasn't. Apparently I wasn't pregnant. I WAS THE CRAZY PEE STICK LADY. I told him about the three positive pregnancy tests. He shrugged his shoulders and said maybe I had been pregnant but had miscarried. "But I took a test this morning!" Again, all I got was a shrug. But he decided to send me down for another blood test just in case. The nurse stared at me puzzled that I was back so soon. "Apparently my test came back negative but he just wants to double check," I explained. She said nothing to me but took my blood.

I shuffled out to my car - mortified, humiliated, but most of all oh so bitterly disappointed. How could this have happened? And oh, how I suddenly longed for this baby, this one that apparently didn't even exist. I got home. Adders was already there for lunch. I collapsed into a pile of tears, sobbing that I wasn't pregnant. He had only begun to comfort me when my cell phone went off and there was my doctor's name on the caller display. I tried to clear my voice so I didn't sound as devastated as I felt.

I was greeted with apologies. There was a mistake in the lab, he said. "You are pregnant!Congratulations! The nurse realized she made a mistake when you came back down to the lab and she came up and told me but you had already left. So again, congrats! Start taking vitamins!"

I hung up and started crying all over again. Adders hugged me and laughed and then said the doctor should be shot. But what meant so much to me is that I got to know how I truly felt about this pregnancy - twice I had been confronted with possibly not being pregnant (the bleeding and the doctor's office) and both times I had been surprised by how upset I was. Clearly this baby was what I really wanted, even more so that I could consciously acknowledge.

Adders went back to work. I drove up to my mom's. She was on her computer. I took out a pregnancy test, placed it in front of her and said, "I guess you're not always as right as you think you are." She stared at the test confused before I had to explain, "It's positive." Apparently, this was the first time she had ever seen a pregnancy test up close and personal. Finally she understood and jumped and screamed and hugged me.

And thus my journey with LB began.

We are now in the midst of our 26th week together. He kicks furiously and at all times of the day. He particularly enjoys connecting with my bladder and the bottom right side of my ribcage. The mere thought of him not existing still makes me cry because so many of my hopes and dreams have now been pinned on him (no pressure, little guy!). His placenta is fine. There is no cyst. But apparently he's hogging all of my insulin. Iron too. He clearly doesn't like to share, just like his mother. Big plans are being made for his room. It's been painted. The furniture has been ordered. We are anticipating our lives with him.
It's weird to love someone so much that you don't even know the first thing about (other than their kicking preferences). But by gosh, it's also incredibly amazing.
P.S. I did get my two week trip to Italy with Adders. We took LB with us at 10 weeks. He had a great time and generously allowed me to eat anything I wanted!


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