Musings on God and Jenna Jameson

So last weekend I was doing some ironing and to distract myself from the misery, I turned on the television. "Bruce Almighty" happened to be on, which is a movie I've always enjoyed. I happily tuned in, though it was near the end, after the whole "God" thing has gone to Bruce's head and his girlfriend has left him. For being both a mainstream film and a comedy, I think the spirituality of "Bruce Almighty" is dead-on. And I couldn't help but be struck again by two pivotal scenes. The first is when Bruce tries to win his girlfriend back and when she rejects his feeble efforts, he decides to try and use his "almighty" powers to make her love him. He stomps his feet, raises his hands, as if casting a spell, and says, "Love me. LOOOOOOVE ME!" She just looks at him as if he's nuts and then simply replies, "I did." Later, Bruce bitches about this to the actual Almighty and says, "How do you make someone love you without affecting Free Will?" to which God replies, "Welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know."

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I was raised in a spiritual/religious home. I can't remember "God" or if you prefer, the concept of God, not being a part of my life. It's who I am, it's part of my identity. God is as real to me as this computer that I'm typing on, and that is no exaggeration. However, I am married to a man who, although raised with some Christian foundation (First Communion, Catechism, church every Sunday until he was 14), is probably as unspiritual as they come. And I don't mean that in a condescending way. It's just a fact, and he would agree with it.

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The irony is that we ended up together. Me, who did an undergraduate degree in Religious Studies and led Bible Studies during my time at university, married to a guy who has a more-than-healthy skepticism about the relevance of God in his life. What's even more ironic is how poor Adders has got played and duped by this spirituality of mine. When we first met, I was worn out and discouraged in my spiritual life. I had never had a "Come to Jesus" moment growing up because hell, I'd always known Jesus. So I can't really say that I was "on fire" for God. And trying to come back to my small town and fit back in to the narrow confines of the church I had grown up in, particularly after being exposed to so much more education and "spiritual reality" while at university was particularly depressing.

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Plus, I was living at home during this time period, broke from my trip around Europe. I was 23 years old but long overdue for the teenage rebellion I had yet to experience. So at any rate, when Adders walked into my life, my relationship with God took not just a backseat but was dumped on the side of the road, and I decided to let myself do all the things I felt I had so unfairly missed out on.

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Over the next three years, Adders got to know a girl who was very angry at God, her mother, her upbringing, her belief system. EVERYTHING. He had no way of knowing it was just a temporary rebellion or an extended temper tantrum. He took everything I said - every condemnation against religion and my stupid strict parents - as gospel truth.

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Needless to say, when I got sick of being in the driver's seat and disillusioned with all the choices and mistakes I'd made, when I literally did not know how I was going to get by and so had no choice but to return to God and my spiritual walk, poor Adders was stunned. Albeit it has all happened gradually, and so it has only slowly snuck up on him. But just as water takes time to boil, it doesn't mean the poor lobster still doesn't get cooked at the end. And so now Add is having to deal with a wife who is nothing like the girl he married and who has instead gone all "religious" on him. Which I empathize with because c'mon, is there anything more annoying than that?!

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And yet now we're at a crossroads. Adders is perplexed and still trying to hold me to position or a statement that I made years ago, not fully understanding that I made those comments under the influence of my own drunkeness and foolishness. And I am somehow stuck with trying to figure out how you get a man who has made it "just fine on his own, thank you very much. Religion is nothing but a crutch" to not only realize that he needs God but in fact he should actually LOVE God.

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Last night Adders and I had a big discussion about this. It's very, VERY frustrating talking religion or spirituality with him because the gap between our understanding is so very large. Couple that with the danger of coming across as preachy or condescneding or as knowing better or as holier than thou or as just being wiser, these discussions are riddled with land mines. I try to explain the basic tenants of theology to him but it's like trying to teach a Korean not only English but English slang, all when you don't have any experience teaching English to begin with! All that needs to be explained is overwhelming. Adders makes a judgment against religion based on some conversation he had with my mother 4 years ago or by some joke he hears on TV. And yet it's not a fair judgment because he doesn't have any of the context, any of the framework. Not to be overly critical but for someone who was raised in a somewhat religious household, his foundation and basic understanding of Christianity are woefully inadequate.

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And that's also an issue for us. I was raised with this perspective since birth. My understanding of it is so innate and nuanced and complicated that to try and explain it in a basic sense is nearly impossible. When Adders asked me last night WHY I loved God, I was stumped. I mean, it would be an easy answer if at 18 or something I had been strung out on drugs and turning tricks on the street but then found Jesus who helped me clean up my life and look at me now! I'm a success! There would be a concrete example as to why I love Jesus.

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But for me, I don't have an answer. It's like asking me why I love my mom. I mean, I guess I could tell you all the things she does for me and all the things about her that make me happy. But I also just love her because I do. I was born loving her. Just like I love this baby in me right now. I don't even know him, don't know the slightest thing about him, and yet he's loved! That's how I feel about God. I don't know why I love him, I don't know why I continue this journey, but I do.

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Adders, of course, is all too willing to assign my relationship with God as simply based on fear of hell. A belief which may have some merit. I mean, if that's what I believe (and I do believe in an eternity, where we play out the choices we made in the here and now), then obviously SOME of my motivation for loving and following God is going to be based out of fear (oh Jesus, spare me the eternal flames of suffering!!!!).

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And of course there is the simple self-serving aspect to following God - namely, I don't want to fuck up my life. And while I accept that just because you don't follow God doesn't means your life is going to be, well, a miserable fucking disaster, I do think that your chances of making some serious life-altering mistakes are certainly higher if you aren't in tune with His will.

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When I first headed down the road of my rebellion and flipping God the bird, it all started because I fell in love. I met Adders and I was crazy delirious with hormones and with the desire to be with him ALL. THE. TIME. And when something like that consumes you, you understandably don't have much time for the more dreary aspects of life (and let me tell you, often this whole spirituality thing is DREARY and HARD WORK). Being with Adders all the time led me to want to be naked with Adders all the time, which of course led to me wanting to have naked sex with Adders all the time. Is this normal? Absolutely. Is it bad? Well, here's the thing. I do still firmly believe that there is definitely a difference between casual sex (which I'm sorry but I don't think any good can come of it) and simply pre-marital sex between two people in a loving, committed relatinoship. That being said, for me the sin of the pre-marital sex wasn't the sex itself, it was the behaviour that resulted from the sex. I felt guilty for it. I then got mad because of the guilt. I then decided that the guilt and God and my whole stupid strict upbringing could go screw themselves, and so what did I do? Naturally I separated myself from it all, much like Adam and Eve did after eating the forbidden fruit and coming into realization - they hid themselves from God.

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That therefore became my sin. I ran away from God. Which led me down a bitter painful road. I learned a bunch of stuff from the entire experience. I grew up a ton in that time period. In some sense my mom and I came out with a healthier relationship. So good did come out of it. But was there a less painful way to have gotten to the same point in life? I'm sure there was. And sadly, in my foolishness, I just chose not to take it.

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And that's what I tried to explain to Adders last night. Being religious or following God doesn't mean life gets any easier. In fact, it can often be the opposite. But here's the benefit I see in following God. I no longer fuck up my life out of ignorance or foolishness or stupidity. Or at least I try not to. Life is still life. Bad things still happen. You will still stub your toe and fret about money and have a bad day even if you walk closely with God. But IF you are walking close to God and you listen to what He has to say, nay - if you CONSULT him on what you should do and then listen to what He has to say - then you don't have to worry as much about all the needless suffering that so many people have to experience due to their own ignorance. And that right there is reason enough for me. Life is hard enough. I don't want to make it any harder because I didn't pay attention and missed an opportunity.

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But again, this doesn't ecapsulate all the reasons I walk along with God. Because I'm neglecting to explain the most important one which also happens to be the most difficult one to articulate. I love God because I know Him. He is real to me, He makes sense me, we have a relationship, I bless Him, He bless me. And this must sound so weird and creepy and cheesy to my husband's ears. Because as I said at the beginning, he can't even wrap his head around needing God at this point, muchless loving Him.

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So what to do? We talk about religion and I try to address his fears that his wife is becoming a freak. Only this morning we had another debate about pornography. Porn star Jenna Jameson had made an appreance on Oprah yesterday. I missed it but Adders told me all about it. When I asked how Oprah treated her, he said that she wasn't as nice as she could have been to Jenna. And I explained that it's probably because for all of Jenna's claims that she's a businesswoman and that she has no regrets, Oprah is probably calling bull shit. Because I'm sorry - since the dawn of time, women have always made money selling their bodies. It's not a difficult thing. Any old fool can do it. But true female empowerment has only come along in the last 50 years because of the hard work done by women like Oprah who have paved the way and become successes in the actual real business world.

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Anyhow, I then went on a rant about pornography, which Adders rolled his eyes at and said, "Stop being such a Bible thumper!" I protested because while yes, maybe part of my dislike of pornography no doubt stems from my religious upbringing, I've also reached this stance because of my experiences as a woman, as a feminist and as a person who has read enough stories of people whose lives have been ruined because of pornography addiction.

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And that's really what comes down to the problem with Adders and God. Adders has yet to experience any true suffering in life. He is one of those affable live and let live kind of guys. He doesn't have an addictive personality so really has no issue with drugs because they've never affected him in any negative way. Same goes with pornography. Or alcohol. Even just life experiences - everything has worked out well, and he hasn't had to deal with any real tangible pain. So what benefit can God even bring? And when his wife can't seem to articulate what God brings to the table in her life (which is really THEIR life), Adders must think, well, what's the point?!

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And yet when questioned if he would have a problem with our daughter becoming a Jenna Jameson, he said "Of course! Oh God, I would hate for my daughter to be in pornography or be a stripper." Which obviously. But then isn't that motivation for walking with God? Can't this baby then be enough of a reason to love God? Adders doesn't have a relationship with God so therefore doesn't trust God. He doesn't believe that a relationship with God guarantees you that your daughter won't be a stripper or your son strung out on crack. Me? I'm sorry but I do. In fact, it's about the only guarantee I have.