Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

The Charkins Interview: II

As many of our faithful readers will recall, a few years ago we featured an exclusive interview with Miss Courty, conducted by the Charkins herself. It was at once both thrilling and gripping to get an inside look at the life and times of Miss Courty. And yet Charkins has decided to take a break from her busy schedule of newlywed sex and making her new husband lunches to provide us that insight once again. Without further ado, the Charkins Interview, part deux:

Good morning Courtney! It's been awhile since we last met over an interview, I trust you've been well? Actually I know you've been well, and I know that you have been up to quite a lot! As a result I have come up with a few questions to help update your readers on who you really are in this the first week of 2010!

1. First question and I'm sure the question on everybody's mind--what will you be wearing for the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympic Games?!

Haven't you heard? Me and PGC (that's Premier Campbell for the rest of you nobodies) are currently on the outs. I absolutely despise this whole HST nonsense (7% tax hike on hamburgers? What is this - communist Russia?) and thus have declined to attend the Olympic Opening Ceremonies as my own personal protest. So I will just be wearing what I normally wear to lounge around the house and watch TV - diamonds and nothing else.

2. Almost as important as what will you be wearing for the Olympics, what will Lucy be wearing?!

Well, she already has the most gorgeous white fur, with a hint of auburn and so thick and silky that it almost makes her mother jealous, that I doubt she'd need anything else. However, for Christmas she got the most darling pink polka dot collar that really, it's all she needs. It's so versatile it easyily goes from day to evening wear, just like that. Of course, if we do decide to take in any events, Lucy still has her purple and pink parka with the matching booties that she's only been photographed in save once or twice. I think that would do in a pinch.

3.Can't wait to see those outfits! Now a lot has happened over the last couple of years including the tragic loss of your natural curls. Now I know this is a hard issue for you to discuss, but the last time I interviewed you, you admitted that you used to lay awake at night worrying that your hair was too perfect. Since your hair has played such a huge role in your self image how are you coping with the loss and who is your support team in your rehabilitation process?

Let me tell you something - you finally find out who your friends are when the chips are down. And when my curls abandoned me, so did everyone else. It was tragic. Horrible. A disgrace. It's like they loved the curls more than me! It's been a long 2+ years as I've coped with becoming a (shudder) ordinary person who has to (ugh) DO THEIR FUCKING HAIR every morning. I've invested in curling irons and hot rollers and hair dryers. Still, it hurts. But there is rainbow at the end of this thunderstorm and it is this - I may have found the messiah, the holy grail if you will, of hair care products for curls. It's called Deva Curl. And if I do say so myself, my curls, well, they're on the rebound. Of course, the product is available only in Canada at Holt Renfrew hair salons (quelle surprise!), making it almost as exclusive as moi.

4. Why do you think God took away your curls? Or perhaps it wasn't God. A recent theory out of The Harvard Science and Research Centre suggests that your long loved lost Cat Riley P. Pudding Tat is behind the loss of your curls. Studies show that once you adopted Lucy your memories of Riley slowed down resulting in Riley puking in heaven and seeking his revenge by taking away your curls. What is your response to this theory?

Ha! The things that pass as tabloid rumours! Darling, Charkins, don't believe everything you hear. Riley P. Pudding Tat and I still commune on a spiritual level and trust me, we've never been closer than we are now. Some people have psychics on their payroll, I have my dead cat. He's a muse, if you will. Is he a teensy tiny bit jealous of Lucy? Perhaps, although unlike her, he was welcome to sleep with me any night of the week. But I do know this - Riser is not behind CurlGate. Oh, no. We know who caused this disaster to occur. His name starts with Add and ends with Ers. It was him and the sex and the prevention of the babies that did this to me, I just know it.

5. This past November you were the Maid of Honour in this years most exciting event--My Wedding! Can you tell me what it felt like to be a part of the most talked about event of the year?

Well, there is nothing Miss Courty loves more than a wee bit of drama and what can I tell you, this event was DRAMA FILLED. From cat fights to sobbing speeches to Joel getting it on with any and all willing bridesmaids, it was a glorious event. I was simply honoured to be a part of it, despite being the size of a dairy cow.

6. And what did you HONESTLY think of my hair?

First of all, I honestly thought you looked gorgeous and beautiful and that's what you should be focusing on, not your hair. Seriously. But I honestly thought she could have done a better job. I don't think it's as bad as you seem to think it is. In fact, I thought it was still lovely and beautiful. But yes, I agree she could have added more braids. However, lest I remind you, you will ALWAYS have regrets about your wedding day and what you would have done differently. And let's not forget that I had a bit of a hair disaster at my own wedding, what with the gale force winds, the attacking veil and the fact that my dear sweet husband drove the convertible at 140km/h, resulting in my looking like Bridget Jones after her own convertible ride. So that's just life. And if you had worn your hair down, it might have fallen and you would have been disappointed with that. You looked beautiful. That's all that matters. Let the rest go.

7. And what did you HONESTLY think of the wedding itself?

I'm telling you, it was a great wedding. The cake was delicious, the dinner was to die for, I loved that you got actual bells to chime on your wedding day (bitch), Sergei was a bit frightening but we moved past that, the bridesmaid dresses were perfect, I adored you walking down the aisle to the mini-orchestra playing Colplay. It was a gorgeous wedding and the proof is in your wedding video. Gee, a wedding video. That must be such a wonderful keepsake to have. SOB!

8. Ok so tell me more about how I looked on my wedding day?

Wow. I think we've covered this off. There are only so many compliments Miss Courty can dole out in a given day. But yes, you were gorgeous and dramatic in your ivory dress with the red train.

9. Why thank you! Now on this blog you have announced that you are having a son! A baby boy who will look like the sweetest little baby that you and Adders could create. Now since you don't have a name for him just yet, what do you think of the name, Chark? or how about Charley?

No. Just no. We plan on loving this child, not condemning him to a lifetime of misery.

10. At what point during your labour do you think you will poop the bed?

I don't have the faintest clue what you're talking about. Poop? Bed?

11. At what point during your labour do you think Adders will puke?

Well, it's still being debated whether Adders will even get to be present during labour so I really can't say for sure. That being said, if he does puke, he will surely die. By me. Maybe not on our son's actual birth day. But shortly thereafter. And I will collect the insurance money and live happily ever after, knowing that I am better off having murdered a man who distracts attention away from his labouring wife by PUKING IN THE DELIVERY ROOM.

12. At what point during your labour do you think you will beg for an epidural and the doctors will say, "Too late Lady! We've got to go in with forceps!"

Can we just go along with the fantasy I've created in my head where I give birth naturally with a chain of daisies around my neck, singing songs of love and laughter and there is no pain and all that's required of me is one meagre little push and out comes my beautiful bouncing baby boy with no mucus or white crap smeared all over him? Hmmm? Can't we? Because there is the possibility that could happen.

13. At what point during this interview will you decide to never speak to me again?

Are we currently speaking? I wasn't sure. Our relationship is like driving in the mountains - expect sudden and drastic changes in the driving conditions at any given moment! But if we are speaking, wonderful. If we aren't, Hate. You.

14. Moving along, Can you tell the people what your favorite part of being pregnant is?

I wish I could say all of the attention. And yet, I'm not receiving nearly enough attention yet. Like how big do you have to be before people start offering you free massages and presents? When does that part take place? Because I'm certainly looking forward to that.

15. It has been said that you make a beautiful mother, said by me, and I wonder what you are most looking forward to about being a mother (besides not working)?

I guess I should answer this one somewhat seriously. And here's my serious answer. I HAVE NO IDEA. I think I'm most looking forward to the prospect of creating a familiy. I mean, we're a little family right now, I guess, but like anything, I want it to expand and grow and so it's creating that culture of "us" that I'm looking forward to.

16. What part scares you the most about being a new mother?

That hysterical feeling you have when there's nothing you can do and my mom isn't there and Adders is at work and I can't get this baby to stop crying. And I feel ugly and fat and the house is a disaster and we have no groceries and I haven't slept in days and OH MY GOD WHY WON'T THIS BABY STOP CRYING?! That's what I'm most dreading. Also I'm dreading Adders stressing me out. Because as if I won't be stressed enough if we're out in public and the baby starts screaming, I already know Adders is not going to be able to handle it all and will start FREAKING OUT, as in "DOOOO SOMETHING! GET HIM OUT OF HERE! OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" So yeah, that. Particularly if that takes place on an airplane where there is no escape.

17. Do you think you have spent more money on pregnancy clothes or on your mortgage in the past year?

This is certainly up for debate. Depends on if you combine what I spent on pregnancy clothes or if you add in what my mother spent on pregnancy clothes for me. If it's the latter, well, let's just say our mortgage could be paid off by now if I wasn't expecting.

18. Who do you think your mom loves more, Lucy or Joel?

Toughest question of the bunch. I'll have to pass. It's really too close to determine.

19. At what point in your live did you realize that you could not and would not live without me?

Right now. When I realized that I have been writing replies to all these questions for like 7 hours now even though I have loads of work to do and yet I pity your work boredom and thus will generously give you something to read. Because I am charitable like that.

20.Are you going to send your children to our old high school or have the Redhead teach them grade 11 math in the living room while also teaching her Granny Classes on how Grannies can improve their Granny S*x lives (if any granny is going to teach those classes it will be Granny Redhead!).

Well, considering Mr. Grant was supposed to bomb that institution into oblivion over a decade ago, I'm really not comfortable sending me prushus first born to that hell-hole. But considering the education I was given during my one stint at home-schooling, good God, the options are bleak.

21. What are your dreams for 2010?

The easiest labour that has ever taken place ever in the history of the entire galaxy. A healthy baby, preferably one that is both good-looking and sleeps through the night. A husband who is at once the most attentive, loving, tender spouse and the most attentive, loving, tender father. The ability to breast-feed, and do it easily. A better vehicle. The ability to lose weight fast without actually having to, you know, exercise. Peace on earth. More chocolate. No stretch marks. Finding the perfect crib. Paying down our mortgage. Being more content in the now. Laughing lots. Oh, and making lots of demands about my baby shower! :)

Well that's all the time we have for today. Thanks for taking the time away from eating your peanut butter and honey sandwich to talk to me. Let's not wait so long before we do this again! It's been a blast--I can't wait to read your answers!


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