Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Nursery News and Recent Resolutions

Soooo. We have purchased some nursery bedding. And have started the hunt for a crib. Hurrah! We aren't complete selfish losers who have no right to be procreating. We were in Calgary last weekend and found an adorable set of bedding (with lamp and mobile) for LB. It's a gorgeous seafoam blue, yellow and beige with pictures of tractors and bobcats on it. If he's anything like his dad, the baby will love staring at those truck designs. But the bedding is surprisingly soft; not too masculine for a teeny tiny baby and well, I'm just relieved Adders didn't insist on doing up the nursery in cammo.

While in Calgary, we scoured the baby stores. Adders teased me that I was in heaven, spending the day shopping for baby stuff. And it was fun, except for going to this one store. Most baby shops are smart - they're bright and clean and spacious with soft music playing. But this one store was like the apocalypse and I am not joking. It was crowded with furniture and strollers. And then jam-packed with parents toting their screaming 1, 2, 3 year olds behind them. It was chaos and loud and the shrieking and yelling was jarring. Adders turned to me in the truck after making our escape, "Sooooo, about that abortion..."

He was joking, although we both just laughed uncomfortably because my friends, we saw our future and it was dark and horrible. I mean, I tried to reassure Adders by saying that unlike what we wanted to do to all those children in that store, surely to goodness we won't to drop-kick our own progeny. He's not as convinced. I think it was the pandemonium that got to me. And the chaos. And the noise, oh God, the noise.

I don't like any of those things. Hell, it's going to be hard for me to adjust to just having baby crap displayed around the house (as it stands right now, even Lucy gets a lecture when she strews her toys about. I do like everything in order and in place. Adders says I want to live in a show home, I say that like Monica I just want to be prepared in case the Queen stops by). Side story: my mother-in-law told me a story about her friend's daughter who hires a baby-sitter to come take her kids out of the house so that she can clean it. And my mother-in-law as all, "Isn't that crazy? If you're going to hire a baby-sitter, make it worthwhile, go shopping, get a massage, get out of the house? Who hires a sitter so they can clean?" And I was all, "So where does this chick live? And how can we become friends?" Because that is SO going to be me.

Anyhow, I felt like I was supposed to go somewhere with this post and have now just run in aimless circles. So besides us feeling terrified for the screaming baby, here is the latest update on the pregnancy:

- I'm hungry still but not any hungrier than I ever was, at least I don't think I am. It's hard to remember that far back.

- I may have found my first new stretch mark. It's just longer and thicker but still located where my old ones were, which of course, on my fat ass. Sigh. And here I thought I was beating the stretch marks at their own game.

- Had my first meltdown of the "I haven't felt the baby move in the past few hours. He must be dead! I've killed our baby!" variety on Sunday night. Was guilt-induced because I went for another hot-tub (I know - I really do suck at this motherhood thing. Also, read online today that "Peanuts! Why you must avoid them when pregnant!" as I chowed down on my peanut butter sandwich. I can't help myself though. Giving up peanut butter is like giving up water at this point. I NEED MY PB). Anyhow, so yeah, went for hot tub at parents' house, came home, watched movie, noticed that the baby didn't seem as active as he normally would at that time. Started bawling to Adders, made him put flashlight on belly, still no response, put into bed forcibly by Adders while still crying, only to lay down and immediately be pummelled by kicks to my kidney. Even Adders felt LB whaling away on me.

- I'm feeling a bit calmer however about planning for the baby. I feel like we have the nursery underway and already there has been discussion (which in our household means an argument) about what colours exactly will be painted below the chair rail that Adders has planned. I plan to go back to Calgary in a month with either Adders or my mom to purchase a crib and a bunch of baby paraphenlia like bottles and diapers and stuff like that.

Oh, I know - the one thing I wanted to discuss in this post was New Year's resolutions. So here are my two:

1) I mentioned this a few weeks ago but I haven't changed my behaviour at all since then. So now I'm really determined to make this a focus in 2010. What I need to do is learn to embrace the now and not be so stressed about the future or even about the things that aren't perfect in the present. Seriously. Like, take yesterday for example. I had to go on a daytrip with my boss which was going to take all day. Like 10 hours in a car together. And I was dreading it. DREADING it. I had that horrible pit in my stomach. And I whined. First to Tamara Lee, then my husband, even my mother who is in Mexico had to hear about how terrible this day was going to be. And yet the trip? Not so bad. Actually kind of interesting. And once again I was reminded that wow, wait to waste so much valuable energy stressing about something that in the end totally wasn't worth stressing about. So I'm really going to try and master this over the next year, or at least make SOME sort of head-way in controlling my emotions.

Which leads me to my second resolution:

2) SUCKING THINGS UP. You know, I wasn't even all that aware that I was so bad at sucking things up until my Mom turned to me in Vancouver one morning as we were putting on our makeup and I was complaining about something or other that Adders had done to annoy me and she said, "Yeah, but Courts, you never suck anything up." And instead of being offended, it was like "Bam!" instant realization and clarity. I don't suck up anything. I don't let much slide, I don't suck much up, and if something's not going my way I whine and complain until it does or until I finally come to the realization that I don't have much choice. Hell, that's what I'm doing with this job (every day to Adders: "why does the universe hate me? why can't it be May? why do I have to go to work? why does it have to be so far away? why do I have to be bored? why? why? WHY?!).

I know everyone else is like "Eeeee-rrrrrr" because they knew this already about me. And I knew it too. But I guess it was the first time that I fully realized it and said to myself, "God, that's terrible behaviour. I really want to change it." The proof is in the pudding because when I told Adders that this was my New Year's resolution, he may have wept tears of joy and relief.

So there you have it. The two things I want to improve upon myself on 2010. And just to prove I can do it I'm going to post this blog entry now and do some actual work. And not even complain about it. At all. :)


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