Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Friday, September 18, 2009

Seriously, give me some fucking POUTINE!!!!

Ha ha ha. Life is a continual lesson in trusting God, no? So here we are a month later from my last (anguished) posting and so much has changed. Of course, everything but my ability to completely trust God (please help me with this job, please help me with this job!).

Okay, now I'm talking in religious riddles. But seriously, wow. What a month. First things first, I'm expecting a baby. A real life baby. As in NOT a Cabbage Patch doll.* My due date is May 4, 2010 and although I really do hate the notion of wishing my life away, that date can't come soon enough. Not because I'm so anxious to meet my spawn (although that'll be pretty cool, except for the dirty diapers and the no sleep and my husband and I staring wordlessly at each other thinking what have we done) but because this pregnancy thing is HARD.

And I don't even have it bad. Oh, no. I only have morning sickness in the actual morning. And I don't actually vomit (well, I have a few times but it's not a regular thing); it's more just a general queasiness. But still - it's a pain. I am sooooo tired. Like exhausted tired. Like breathing requires too much energy tired. And I'm so very bloated. My jeans are already horribly uncomfortable. And I have no clothes to wear but I'm still too small for maternity (Hi! I'm only 7 weeks! And yet I have a pooch!).

Other symptoms may include: general weepiness; irritability (mostly at husbands who want to pretend life as we know it is the same even though he is soooo wrong about that); and hunger. Like I'm hungry all the time. I basically want poutine every hour of every day. But I'm all paranoid because all the books say how the first three months are the most vital, I'm growing all the baby's organs and I need my fruits and veggies. So I try and be smart about eating even though I could basically live at McDonald's from now until the birth and be completely happy.

But let's go back to the fatigue. Because no words could describe how disconcerting this is for me. Seriously, I might not regularly be Miss Energy but I'm certainly not Miss Blah. I usually have a fair bit of get-up-and-go and this, coupled with my OCD tendencies, results in me being pretty active. Except these days I have NO energy and my get-up-and-go has gone up and left the building.

This would be fine if I was still unemployed, sitting on the couch, eating bon-bons and watching mah stories. But I've done and got me a new job, Pa! It's in politics (clearly I cannot escape), working on the upcoming municipal referendum. It's interesting and I'm glad to be involved and I'm getting paid well. It's just I feel like a slacker because I'm not putting all my focus and energy into it like I normally would. I know I'm capable of so much more and it's hard to admit defeat and say, "I just can't do it like I did the last one."

Where God comes into all of this is that my Mom has really preached to me the value of doing your 10% and God will do the rest. Just like we should tithe 10% (which, gulp! Do not! BAD!), if we do our 10% in the matters God wants us to do, He'll do the rest. That's kind of how I approached the job search. I put a bunch of feelers out there, called and email a bunch of contacts, and that was pretty much all I could do. And then sure enough, one email resulted in one phone call, which resulted in one job offer.

Same with this baby. I started ovulating on a Sunday night as I lay in bed. Just the day before Adders and I had decided to hold off on the baby thing for a while, at least until I found a job and things were stable. However, on Monday I couldn't shake this feeling that we should have a baby. Still, nothing happened and I figured I was almost done ovulating. However, on Tuesday morning, I went for my regular morning walk with Lucy and I prayed about having a baby. And I just felt all this peace about it, like to just go for it and trust God. So poor Adders got home at lunch and, well, he was raped. We, of course, had our doubts that I would actually get pregnant from that first and only time without protection, particularly when it seemed like I should surely be done ovulating. But hell, it was lunch-time sex - how naughty and fun!

Of course, I then wavered in that decision for the next two weeks. However, two weeks later when I bawled in disappointment at what I thought was the arrival of my period (it was actually just implantation bleeding!), I knew we were supposed to have a baby. And here we are 3 weeks later, with me barely coping in this job, and Adders barely coping with his hormonal wife. But we're having a baby! And we're back to being a two-income family (at least for now). And while things may not be ideal (job is short-term; baby has decided s/he deserves all the energy my body can muster, leaving me with nothing but fumes to run on), I figure if we all just do our 10%, He'll pick up the slack.

* A couple that Adders and I know just had a baby so when we went up to visit in the hospital, there was already another lady there also visiting. This lady had a 5 month old baby who looked EXACTLY like a Cabbage Patch Doll. I'm not exaggerating one teeny tiny bit. You could have put the baby in a plastic box and sold her at Walmart and the five year old who got her for her birthday wouldn't have known the difference. But the thing is, you would think a Cabbage Patch real baby would be cute when in reality it's actually rather creepy. Which is a shame. You know, for the baby to be all creepy looking. Great, now I've damned myself into having my own Cabbage Patch baby. Sigh.