Impending Motherhood

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So! This is it! My last day of work before embarking on my year-long maternity leave. I am at once both SO EXCITED OH MY GOD YOU GUYS EEEEEEK! and also HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ALL DAY WILL I DIE OF BOREDOM? Am also HOLY SHIT I'M HAVING A BABY YOU GUYS HOLY SHIT!!!!!

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As you can tell, my internal monologue is loud and high-pitched and full of exclamation marks and cap letters.

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But seriously, what am I going to do all day? And how am I going to have a baby? Doesn't that scare you? That I'm goigg to have a baby? Like, how am I going to have a baby? How exactly? And I mean that both in how will I birth a baby? And then how will I take care of said baby? HOW WILL THIS HAPPEN?

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Deep Breath. And yes, I've eaten my weight in chocolate this morning, why do you ask?

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So here are my thoughts on life right now:

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1) I am so grateful that I had this job. Seriously. Since that hellish day last July when I was dismissed by that motherfucking asshole (I agree - he deserves a much meaner moniker), I have been blessed and blessed and then more blessed with job opportunities. I never once went without a paycheque, not for one week. And although this last position has been a touch on the boring side, it has still put food on the table, allowed me to spend horrendous amounts of money on baby products, and if we're being honest, keep my sanity (because as much as I hate to admit it, I do thrive on getting up at 7am, putting make up on and going to a job outside the house). So praise God, hallelujah, because in the past year I have had great work opportunities and made some wonderful contacts and who knows how that will serve me in the future.

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2) I am scared about the next two weeks, or at least the time remaining until the baby is born, because I just don't do well sitting around at home with nothing to do. I get anxious, nervous, depressed and even more obsessive-compulsive. I mean, there are only so many times a person can clean their house, especially when 9 months pregnant. And I know people say, "Just relax! Enjoy the quiet and solitude before baby shows up on the scene." And that's probably great advice. But I don't know how to relax and enjoy quiet and solitude. I always feel a compulsion to work or do something to validate my existence. So we'll see how I fare. Luckily my mom will be around to entertain me as will my brother, so that should help.

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3) I'm also scared about maternity leave in general. I'm scared for my own sanity for all the reasons stated above. And while I'm sure I'll be extremely busy with LB the first few weeks, what happens when I finally figure things out a bit and get into a routine and then I have nothing to do but clean house and iron pillow shams? And what if I don't meet any friends or can't find any playgroups? What will I do with all that boredom?

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4) I'm scared for Adders' and my marriage while I'm on maternity leave. That's a scary thing to admit but it's the truth. Because here's the thing - Adam is obsessed with money. And I don't mean that in a mean, petty, negative way, like all he cares about is making money. I just mean that he frets and worries about it constantly. And we are very different when it comes to handling money. I am a spender. Not to the extreme but like any woman, I enjoy shopping and, as we all know, making sure we're stocked up on things. I like to get my hair done and have us wear cool clothes. I like my house to look trendy. And I like to go out and eat. Oh, and trips. I like trips. So while I too want to save money so that we can pay down our mortgage faster and move into a bigger house sooner, I also want to live. Adders, on the other hand, does want nice things too - a better quad, a new truck, a trailer to go camping with, and a newer, bigger house. But his approach is to therefore spend money on NOTHING frivolous to get there. He would go without Kleenex, shampoo, dinners out, and new clothes, all in his quest to reach his goal. This already creates significant conflict between us because as is stands, I am spending ALL the money in the relationship by virtue of being the one who grocery shops, buys us clothes, hell, even buys sprinklers for our lawn. So even if I see it as not just benefiting myself but instead benefiting the entire household, all Adders can see is that I'm spending money on things he wouldn't necessarily buy.

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The other problem is that just like sex, money is a power issue. And unfortunately we as a society all seem to buy into the notion that he or SHE who makes the most money, holds the most power. So even though I will be doing a valuable service this next year (read: RAISING OUR SON) which, should be noted is something Adders wouldn't even want to do even if he could, I know Adders still won't offer me the same respect or at least VALUE as he would if I were earning a full income. In fact, this already exists right now simply because I earn half of what he does. Is this fair? Absolutely not? Does it drive me crazy? Oh fuck yes. Does Adders recognize it? Yep. Does he think it's wrong? Probably but I don't think he can even help himself. Like, he knows I'm earning as much as I am qualified to earn, particularly considering both what I studied in university AND where we live. And he's proud of how much I do make, all things considered. But simply put, he earns more. Therefore, he holds the power. And it frustrates him to no degree that I am the one who spends all the money (even though, AGAIN, this is because I am the one shopping for the household).

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What I'm really trying to get at is that yes, my husband, even though he was born in 1983 and should have been taught, not only by his family but by society in general, that just because a woman stays home to raise kids, she is an equal player at the household table, he nevertheless somehow does not believe this. In his core, he truly does not. Of course, he doesn't want his son in daycare this next year, oh no, and so he realizes my staying home is a necessary evil. But it really bothers him that we have to take a paycut. And because this bothers him and stresses him out and because he's already exasperated by how much money I currently spend when I'm working full-time, I can only anticipate that it's going to get worse. I will have to justify every expenditure as well as my time (I fully expect this question when he arrives home at 5pm each day: "Sooooo, what did YOU do all day?" as if I have to justify my existence to him. And then I'll probably be expected to rub his feet and smooth his brow because he went out into the big, bad world while I stayed home and, in between lounging around in my pajamas and eating cupcakes, only had to wipe someone's dirty ass 52 times).

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I am not trying to paint Adders as evil. He's not. But his whole concept of women staying home and the balance of power and his mad fury to pay down the mortgage at any cost certainly is. Or at least, it's at odds with what I believe and what I think society is trying to get people to believe. And so I'm concerned we'll run into problems. I don't think I'm looking for a problem where one doesn't exist. And I certainly don't think people should worry about tomorrow when we're on today. But I guess I am just preparing myself for the worsening of an already existent problem. I guess now would be the time to get down on my knees and pray!

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5) Despite everything I wrote above, I am so excited today. Today marks my first step into my new future. Sometime in the next month I will become a mother. How awesome is that? And yes, while I'm sure there will be times over the next year with LB (hell, 18 years! Scratch that, LIFETIME!) that will make me want to crawl up the wall, I am so excited that I am the one who gets to take the time off and spend each minute with him. I'm so excited that I get to be this little baby's mom. And while I don't know how I'm going to make it through labour. And how I'm going to know how to breastfeed or change his diaper. Hell, at this point I'm not even sure how to hold him, I do know that I'm embarking on the most important thing I've ever done. Cheesy, hell ya! But it's the reality.

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And so at last at last, after so many weeks of anticipating this day and waiting for the start of this new life, here we are at last. We're down to mere days until I get to meet my son. And I've got nothing but time to sit here and wait for him!