Blessings and Bleatings
Ok, so I'm going to lay it all out here. I am blessed. I may be one of those most blessed people in the world. I'm not exaggerating. I have a wonderful husband, pretty much the most adorable dog that ever existed EVER, we live in a beautiful house (which though old works for us most of the time), I have a great family, both immediate and in-laws. I'm healthy, reasonably good-looking and smart enough. Oh, and all it took to get pregnant was Adders and I looking at each other across the dinner table. For reals. I am one of the lucky few that leads a charmed life.
And yet, I struggle, STRUGGLE, with trying to be happy and content and "in the now." I mean, I'm not depressed. I don't have trouble sleeping or getting up in the morning, I don't want to kill myself or anything like that. I just can't seem to ever be satisfied. Something is always not right.
And I've always been like this. Even in university, I was stressed constantly over some essay or exam. It was too much pressure and I couldn't stand the deadlines. But then in my previous job with that motherfucking asshole, I was bored a lot of the time. And so I'd complain about that - how I wasn't fulfilled. And if it's not work, it's Adders and I that I'm stressed about. Or Charkins and I that is messed up. Or my mother and I that are on the brink. So I basically spend a good portion of my life fretting, whether it be about work, relationships, or even how much I have to get done on a given Saturday!
And it's exhausting. But I don't know how to change. Over the past 6 months, I've started to apply myself spiritually once again. For the past 5 years, I'd taken a long, long hiatus from God and while I never stopped believing in Him, I certainly did go through a rebellious time. Now whether I was rebelling against God or my mother, I don't know (probably both). But I've since come to the realization (and the resignation) that really, He's all I got at the end of the day. And I wouldn't have any of these blessings, hell, I wouldn't even be me, if it weren't for Him. Plus, I have this precious little baby on the way and I have to make sure I do everything I can for him/her, and that includes making God the focus of our lives. So yes, I've reignited my love affair with God, which I know - cheesy, icky, you probably need to go puke now, but oh so true.
And that's great. And I've had a lot of realizations, inspiration and direction, courtesy of God. I've had a lot of prayers answered. I certainly feel healthier (and happier too) than I did a year ago. But still. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. Trust me, I've had "gratefulness" beaten into me my whole entire life. It's that I'm somehow still resentful that things aren't perfect. Why I should expect perfection in life, I have NO bloody idea. I mean, how immature is that? But it's the truth.
An example. Last July, my boss and I had this huge, HUGE falling out, which led to my leaving his office. The relationship had become abusive and horrible and I knew that I was not supposed to be there anymore, and I had actually known that for some time. So I felt in some ways it was God extracting me from a situation that He no longer wanted me in. I could have done it myself and it probably would have been less messy and painful if I hadn't been so scared and whimpy, but at any rate, I got out.
I got severance pay for 5 weeks. Which meant I had all of August off, paid, and yet I spent the entire time fretting about not having a job, what I should do with my life, whether I should get pregnant. AAAUUUGH! Exactly 5 weeks later, I got a new job, with flexible hours and amazing pay. Only catch was that it being contract, I wouldn't get any hours for my maternity leave. But whatevs. Nevertheless, throughout this contract, I fretted that I didn't like the work, that I was too tired with the pregnancy, I lacked motivation, oh, and what the hell was I going to do when the contract ended and I had no job. Who would hire a 4.5 month pregnant woman?
As you can see, my life would be pretty dull if I didn't have the future to constantly agonize over.
Anyhow, the day before my job ended there, I got an email from a different company, inquiring whether I would be interested in interviewing for a job opening. I would, I did, I got the job. And it's a 5 month contract, taking me up to the baby's birth, but it also looks like I'll get the hours counted towards my maternity leave.
Do you see how God has blessed me? I have never been without work, without a pay cheque, nothing. I prayed for a great job, despite knowing it was a long shot because I was so pregnant. And I got it! Yet, now I sit here, depressed at this new job. It's 30 minutes away from Crannie, I can't go home for lunch, no one has told me what I'm really doing, I hate getting back into town so late that I can't run errands, I hate leaving Lucy all day at home alone, the cost of gas is steep. Also, I hate being bored and sitting in front of my computer 8 hours a day, wondering why I continue to get jobs that I am constantly unfulfilled at.
So what's the solution? I'm blessed but discontent; grateful but frustrated. And this isn't right. Because in the end, I'll look back at these few months and I'll see how they flew by and how lucky I was and I'll think to myself, "It wasn't so bad - why did I get so worked up?"
If all I have is the now, and that's really all any of us have, I must accept this job and where I'm at in life and be happy with it. I just really need to figure out how to do that. I don't want to approach this job with dread. And I don't want to keep worrying about the future.
Help.
And yet, I struggle, STRUGGLE, with trying to be happy and content and "in the now." I mean, I'm not depressed. I don't have trouble sleeping or getting up in the morning, I don't want to kill myself or anything like that. I just can't seem to ever be satisfied. Something is always not right.
And I've always been like this. Even in university, I was stressed constantly over some essay or exam. It was too much pressure and I couldn't stand the deadlines. But then in my previous job with that motherfucking asshole, I was bored a lot of the time. And so I'd complain about that - how I wasn't fulfilled. And if it's not work, it's Adders and I that I'm stressed about. Or Charkins and I that is messed up. Or my mother and I that are on the brink. So I basically spend a good portion of my life fretting, whether it be about work, relationships, or even how much I have to get done on a given Saturday!
And it's exhausting. But I don't know how to change. Over the past 6 months, I've started to apply myself spiritually once again. For the past 5 years, I'd taken a long, long hiatus from God and while I never stopped believing in Him, I certainly did go through a rebellious time. Now whether I was rebelling against God or my mother, I don't know (probably both). But I've since come to the realization (and the resignation) that really, He's all I got at the end of the day. And I wouldn't have any of these blessings, hell, I wouldn't even be me, if it weren't for Him. Plus, I have this precious little baby on the way and I have to make sure I do everything I can for him/her, and that includes making God the focus of our lives. So yes, I've reignited my love affair with God, which I know - cheesy, icky, you probably need to go puke now, but oh so true.
And that's great. And I've had a lot of realizations, inspiration and direction, courtesy of God. I've had a lot of prayers answered. I certainly feel healthier (and happier too) than I did a year ago. But still. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. Trust me, I've had "gratefulness" beaten into me my whole entire life. It's that I'm somehow still resentful that things aren't perfect. Why I should expect perfection in life, I have NO bloody idea. I mean, how immature is that? But it's the truth.
An example. Last July, my boss and I had this huge, HUGE falling out, which led to my leaving his office. The relationship had become abusive and horrible and I knew that I was not supposed to be there anymore, and I had actually known that for some time. So I felt in some ways it was God extracting me from a situation that He no longer wanted me in. I could have done it myself and it probably would have been less messy and painful if I hadn't been so scared and whimpy, but at any rate, I got out.
I got severance pay for 5 weeks. Which meant I had all of August off, paid, and yet I spent the entire time fretting about not having a job, what I should do with my life, whether I should get pregnant. AAAUUUGH! Exactly 5 weeks later, I got a new job, with flexible hours and amazing pay. Only catch was that it being contract, I wouldn't get any hours for my maternity leave. But whatevs. Nevertheless, throughout this contract, I fretted that I didn't like the work, that I was too tired with the pregnancy, I lacked motivation, oh, and what the hell was I going to do when the contract ended and I had no job. Who would hire a 4.5 month pregnant woman?
As you can see, my life would be pretty dull if I didn't have the future to constantly agonize over.
Anyhow, the day before my job ended there, I got an email from a different company, inquiring whether I would be interested in interviewing for a job opening. I would, I did, I got the job. And it's a 5 month contract, taking me up to the baby's birth, but it also looks like I'll get the hours counted towards my maternity leave.
Do you see how God has blessed me? I have never been without work, without a pay cheque, nothing. I prayed for a great job, despite knowing it was a long shot because I was so pregnant. And I got it! Yet, now I sit here, depressed at this new job. It's 30 minutes away from Crannie, I can't go home for lunch, no one has told me what I'm really doing, I hate getting back into town so late that I can't run errands, I hate leaving Lucy all day at home alone, the cost of gas is steep. Also, I hate being bored and sitting in front of my computer 8 hours a day, wondering why I continue to get jobs that I am constantly unfulfilled at.
So what's the solution? I'm blessed but discontent; grateful but frustrated. And this isn't right. Because in the end, I'll look back at these few months and I'll see how they flew by and how lucky I was and I'll think to myself, "It wasn't so bad - why did I get so worked up?"
If all I have is the now, and that's really all any of us have, I must accept this job and where I'm at in life and be happy with it. I just really need to figure out how to do that. I don't want to approach this job with dread. And I don't want to keep worrying about the future.
Help.
posted by Divine K @ 10:10 AM
1 Comments:
At 10:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
ARG! I'm reading, "Something Borrowed" right now and I can not stand the lead character, Rachel because all she does is complain about her selfish best friend, Darcy and use it as an excuse to have an affair with Darcy's fiance! Still, right now I feel a bit like Rachel (no I'm not sleeping with Adam!) as she listens to Darcy. CK GET OVER IT! You do leave a charmed life and if some parts didn't stink like shit then you would have no direction and you would walk aimelessly through life! The shit tells you what direction not to go and heads you in the direction of the charm and abundance that you are surrounded with! Be thankful for the big paying boring ass jobs they are helping you get the $ you need while pointing you in the direction of the career you are looking for. Tell me, was your Dad 28 when he bought McDonalds? NO! It takes a little while to get to where you're going. IT takes a plane trip to get to Mexico but you still go, oui?
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