Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

And the guilt begins

So hi! I'm pregnant. Have I mentioned that? I guess I have. See, I'm constantly torn between being one of those people who never shuts up about their pregnancy (do not want to be that person) and being that woman who like didn't even realize she was pregnant until she sat down on the toilet one day and pooped out a baby.

Gross, I know. But what I mean, is that in some ways I'm already feeling the mommy-guilt over not being "consumed" enough by this pregnancy. I can barely read a page in my "What to Expect" book without going, "Boring. Next!" I can't seem to get motivated to research nursery decor or strollers or even figure out my birth plan.

Over the last few months I kept thinking I would do nothing but that all winter long when I was unemployed. But now that I'm gainfully employed, I haven't found the time. Ok, that's a lie because I do have time, even at work, to look stuff up on the internet. But I don't. Because I find it snoozeville.

Well, maybe the inspiration for the nursery and all of that other stuff will come, particularly after we find out the sex of the baby, which is next week! Eeeek! I'm soooo eager and excited to find out what it is. I already told Charkins that I think I will be both thrilled and disappointed either way.

Here are the pros & cons for both:

Pros - A GIRL! MY GIRL! The girl I've fantasized and dreamed about and absolutely must have, if not with this kid, the next. I mean, it's all I've ever hoped for really. And of course there's the clothes and the pink nursery and the fact that we already have a name for a girl! And there is also the relief knowing that we won't have to have 8 boys in a desperate bid to get our girl.

Cons - Well, I've always wanted my first born to be a boy. I think with a girl as your first, you expect more out of her (to baby-sit more, help around the house more, etc).

Pros - As corny as it sounds, there is something so appealing to me about giving Adders a son. I know he wants one ("so bad he can taste it!") and c'mon, little boys?! Too cute. And they love their mothers the most. And as I mentioned, your first-born as a boy - perfect. It would also prove the Redhead's theory is correct, because according to when we conceived the baby in terms of my ovulation cycle, this baby should definitely be a boy. If it isn't, well, I'll have no idea how to conceive baby #2.

Cons - the only con to having this be a boy is that, well, it just means the pressure will be all the more intense on baby #2 because as I made clear to Adders way back when we were just dating - we keep having babies no matter what until I get my girl. No matter what. Oh, and I know it might seem silly but buying boy stuff just isn't as much fun as girl stuff. Plus, there's the worry that the sister-in-law is going to have a girl so my boy will just be mincemeat in comparison.

I don't know - I just really want to know what the sex is because then I think the baby will be more of a person to me, more real. That being said, it's so cool to feel it moving now. The kicking and swooshing sensation comes and go (we tried the whole flashflight thing on the belly, which Adders found offensive and mean but went along with anyway, and it REALLY got the baby going!). I find I notice it most at night, when I'm concentrating, although even right now I'm feeling some movement in there. But it's so faint, that sometimes I think it's something else or if I'm just imagining it. Weird.

What else can I report about this pregnancy? Well, at 19 weeks, I'm starving all the time. Like I could graze from morning to night. But at the same time, when I have a big meal, I notice that I get fuller a lot faster than normal. Like I'll be hungry, hungry, hungry, oh wait, yeah, I need to throw up I'm so full.

I'm not nearly as tired as I used to be in the first trimester. In fact, I feel completely normal in that regard. My hormones are still a bit frantic, but then I've always been a hormonal nutjob, so there's nothing new there. I can often sleep throughout the night without getting up to pee, although I'll wake up about 20 minutes before my alarm, about to burst. I can no longer sleep on my tummy - it hurts. But oh God, do I miss that sleeping position. I try and stay on my left side but every night I'll wake up a few times and realize I'm on my back. Apparently this is bad and I'm killing my baby. Sorry about that, LB.

My nails were awesome for a while, now they are back to suckage. I notice no change in my hair whatsoever and that is tragic because I always held onto the hope that when I was pregnant my hair would resume its former curly glory. Nope, it's just wavy and blah. Oh, and my bangs seem greasier.

My skin is a general disaster. Actually, my skin is more like the apocalypse. I have worse skin now than I did when I was 14. That is beyond tragedy. It was so bad that I spent a day crying about it to my mother.

I look pregnant but not too pregnant. I mean, you'd look at me and still wonder, as it's not that noticeable. But I definitely can't fit into my old clothes anymore (and not just around my tummy - like I can't even pull up the pant leg past my calf, I've gotten so fat). I still hate this in-between stage and am looking forward to being huge, because at least then everyone will know. Adders accuses me of always announcing my pregnancy to perfect strangers. But why not, if it makes them open a door for me or be nicer, why they hell not?!

The only other major pregnancy symptom I'm experiencing is headaches. Oh dear God, the headaches. And they're not like pregnancy headaches, oh no. They are hormonal headaches which means my whole head throbs in time to my heartbeat. They are unbearable and horrendous and I have no frickin' idea what triggers them. I must get three or four a week and the only thing that works is Tylenol Migraine (which has caffeine) (I know! Bad Mommy!).

So yeah, that's my preggers update. I'll let you know the sex when we find out. In the meantime, here's to keeping my fingers crossed for, well, both options actually!


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