Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

What Year Is It? Where Am I? And Who The Hell Are You?

Sooooo. Hidey-ho, everyone. Look, Lazarus has risen from the dead! Except my name's not Lazzy and I sure as hell haven't been dead (not that I haven't regularly contemplated suicide these past 8 months; afterall, I have been spending time with my mother again). What I have been, though, is extremely busy. And also extremely lazy. In fact, probably more lazy than busy. But you know how it is - September fades into October, October fades into November and then bam! Suddenly you're engaged and planning a wedding and working at a new job and buying and renovating a new house and being all-adult like, and you just don't know how the past 6 months have gotten away from you!

Yes, people, it's for reals. Adders and I are engaged. And you know what the pathetic part is? It happened AGES ago. Like it really did happen last November. That was in 2006! Like totally waaaaay back in the day. November was also the month that we took possession of the house that we (and by we, I mean Adders and his much more, ah-hem, reasonable salary) purchased in September.

But listen - before I get bogged down in the nitty gritty of everything (yes, my ring is both gorgeous and ginormous and yes, my wedding dress is the most beautiful dress that any bride has ever worn except for perhaps Grace Kelly, and yes, I still do live in Crannie and have not yet gone batshit crazy although my God if any winter could drive someone to put a gun to their temple, it would be this ceaseless one that we've endured here in this dreary town), I would like to state for the record that I still desperately love Adders DESPITE the fact that he is now my gay roommate rather than my lover and fiance. Ladies, let me be clear on something: if you relish spending time with your partner, watching movies and cuddling on the couch, if you like relaxing with the one you love or enjoy cooking dinner with your significant other, hell, if you desire sex with your man on a somewhat regular basis, let me warn you that RENOVATING A GODDAMN HOUSE IS NOT FOR YOU!

There, that's all that needs to be said on that topic. Oh, except for one more clarification. In November we took possession of the house. That doesn't mean we moved in to it. Oh, no - that'd be too easy. No, it just means that that was when our life of hell and sorrow began. Because in November Adders started the arduous process of completely gutting and renovating the house (with a wee little help by me, mostly in the bitching and the "I don't like that colour; this needs to be re-done; when the fuck are you coming home?; why does the universe ALWAYS ALWAYS find me to hate on?" department). Everything was torn out - kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms, walls, fireplaces. EVERYTHING. And it was dangerous work too, my friends! Adders put a giant spike through his foot, which subsequently became infected and he was a big old baby about it and thought God had afflicted him with stigmata. And I was all, "You wanna see a scar on your foot, bitch? BRING IT!"

Anyhow, fast forward three months later and cabinets have been ordered and installed, new fixtures added, a bathroom tiled, walls painted and many tears shed. Plus, there are still fifty trillion things to get done. Indeed, all in all, it's been a monstrous nightmare and I rarely see Adders except for brief stints when I throw food at him between 5pm and 6pm on weeknights and when we're both glued to the television for our desperate fix of "24" on Saturday nights. However, the house is coming along surprisingly well and I have to take a moment to brag about how handy and sexy-carpenter-like little Addy Bear is. Him and his dad have pretty much re-done the house by themselves and though not quite finished yet, what they have accomplished looks amazing. We're already getting offers on the place and WE haven't even moved in yet. So there you go, Addy, there's my applause for you!

Anyhow, back to me and my PRESHUS, PRESHUS engagement ring. And all the other stuff that's been happening. Well, let's see: in September I started my new job working as an assistant to someone very important which makes me someone who's only somewhat important. I pretty much love it although sometimes it can be a little quiet. However, compared to the boredom I've suffered in EVERY OTHER SINGLE JOB I'VE EVER HAD (hey, remember that absolutely SUCKTASTIC one I had last year at this time?), this job is both GLORIOUS and WONDERFUL. Seriously, I truly do enjoy what I do. So that's good.

Life continued pretty much par for course in October. Nothing much happened at that time. In fact, October pretty much blew cookies, except for Halloween when Adders and I dressed up as vikings! Yea for vikings! And then came sweet, glorious November. Now, it's totally the end of the day here and I'm desperately craving chocolate and/or Diet Coke (neither of which are accessible to me) and I'm just SO not in the mood to tell the whole proposal story in detail. So let me just give you the basics: Surprise romantic dinner for two (am now totally suspcious and can see it coming and Adders knows I'm suspicious and can see it coming and we both giggle like 4 year olds); am then blind-folded and driven aimlessly around town; led into building and urged to sit down; blind fold taken off and find myself in my old office at the newspaper where I used to work as the editor which was also where Adders and I first laid eyes on each other; notice that office is full of candles and there are roses (pink!) and champagne in glasses (pink!) and that Adders is on bended knee; he says all the right things (and I start bawling); and then KAPOW! THERE IS THE BIGGEST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL RING EVER TO EXIST EVER! Well, it blew me away at least. And I shrieked and might have forgotten to say "Yes, I'll marry you!" until 10 minutes later. Anyhow, after visiting both of our parents' houses and tracking down Adders' Dad who is a firefighter and was at the scene of an accident (quel dramatique, non?), Adders took me back to a suite at a beautiful hotel outside of town where we enjoyed the romantic night.

So. That was the proposal. Then the wedding planning got underway. For the record, so far the only thing Adders has done in the wedding department is (a) eaten food samples by various caterers; (b) lectured me about budgets; (c) sighed and whined and complained that we're not going to the Caribbean on our honeymoon; and (d) briefly looked at a possible font for our invitations. Helpmate, he is not. Then again everytime he opens his mouth to possibly give an opinion on anything remotely to do with the wedding, he is silenced by my suspicious, cold, hard glare.

As for me, I am HATING wedding planning. Who ever said doing this shit is fun? It's hell! Seriously, so much work. So much phoning around. And so much decision-making, which, as we all know, is for me akin to having my bikini area plucked with tweezers. I HATE DECISIONS! Shopping for a wedding dress was hell, shopping for a good photographer was hell, shopping with my maid of honour for bridesmaid dresses was hell (Oh, Charkins, I simply jest!). I mean, I'm really super-duper excited about my wedding; it's going to be gorgeous and fun and best of all, I'm going to look stunning! But the process to get to that day is a grim one. I soooo could not be an events coordinator (cut to 2012: Miss Courty is SO an events coordinator with her foot firmly in her mouth).

So basically, since November I've been planning my wedding. Adders' family has helped (especially his mom) but mostly it's me and my mother who are planning the whole thing. And so now you're wondering, how are things with your mom? Meh. It comes and goes, you know? Sometimes we'll go for weeks at a time and things will be fantastic and we'll get together for girly movies and walks and lunch and everything is hunky-dory and even her and Adders get along smashingly. And then suddenly things will fall apart and the same hurt and pain and anger that we all experienced last February are right back in the forefront and we're fighting about it all over again. I don't really want to get into it at this point (we're in a bad spell right now, can't you tell?) but it definitely is a work in progress. As for relations between Adders' parents and mine, well, they pretty much don't exist. So how this wedding is going to work in terms of all that, I have no idea. Paste a smile on our faces and on with the show, right?

And so that's pretty much my lame-o update. Not that I expect that ANYONE is actually coming to this site anymore (remember the scores of fans that I had before? Remember? Like all 3 of them? And maybe one was me signing in under a different username?!!). Life in Crannie is ticking on and I'm going home now to the teeny tiny itty bitty basement suite that Adders and I are STILL living in (and going insane in because 500 square feet? WAY TOO FUCKING SMALL). Perhaps I shall make salmon sandwiches. And then we have to go to Home Depot to pick up a chandalier for our dining room. Yeah, we have quite a nice little Wednesday evening planned!

And then later on tonight I have my stripper class. Yes, I know. It's for exercise but apparently it makes me morally corrupt. And, as we all know, that would be Adders' fault...


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