Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

As Unoriginal As Fake Blonde Hair

Ok, for those of you who read blogs, I'm sure you're sick of reading everybody's "100 Things" lists. I mean c'mon, they are sooooo last season. But since two of the three of you who read my blog have never read anyone else's (up until I introduced you to the world of blogging, you were all like, "Hmmm? What's this you're saying? You're blah? You have a blah? What in God's name kind of language are you speaking? Oh, blog! Right-o, yeah that clarifies EVERYthing ["Psssst, Adders? Do you have any goddamn clue what Miss Courty's talking about right now? And have I mentioned that I have my very own group of students?" "Errrr, no Tamara Lee, but I sure could use some chilli right about now. My name's Adders and I like sheep."]), you probably don't have a freakin' clue what this whole "100 Things" thing is about. So let me do it for you. It will entertain you for, ho hum, the next 2.3 minutes or so. You will also find it's shockingly similar to the post where I wrote the 30-odd things that I know about myself, because I'm just original like that:

Miss Courty's 100 Things


1. The only person who calls me Courty with any regular consistency is my mom.
2. And my mom scares me in a way that no other person on Earth can.
3. I've had many nicknames in my lifetime, one of my favourites being "Snicklefritz"; one of my most despised being "Larva Lady."
4. I used to be thankful that I was the only girl in my family.
5. Now I wish that I had a sister who could take some of the heat/pressure off of me. And who would also understand what it's like to be a girl in our often weird, sometimes wonderful family.
6. But I love being a girl (periods and childbirth aside).
7. The only thing I've ever stolen in my entire life is bulk candy from the grocery store. And even then it was only a few chocolate covered almonds or some jellybeans.
8. No one makes me laugh harder than my brother when he's on a roll.
9. I DESPISE it when people say they're spiritual but not religious. Bull shit. At this point, I think I'm neither.
10. And I hate it when people say they're liberal and think they should be given a goddamned medal or something.
11. I love to read. But sometimes starting a new book seems like work.
12. I love to write. But having to write essays for school in university sent me spiralling into panic meltdowns each and every time.
13. I did my undergrad degree in English Literature and Religious Studies. Suffice to say, I spent the entire four years of university in permanent terror.
14. I wish I could travel back in time and tell my younger, more studious self to just lighten up a bit. And perhaps to drink more.
15. I have never had my heart broken.
16. And yet I've had my heart broken several times. Just not in the traditional sense of a boy dumping my ass.
17. In the past I've dumped the majority of boys I've dated.
18. There haven't been that many. But I've also had my share of stalkers.
19. Sadly, I've yet to require a restraining order. Too bad - they seem glamourous.
20. I have to pee quite frequently. In fact, I have to pee right now.
21. I once thought I would be married by this age.
22. One of my biggest fears is that I'll never get married at all.
23. My boyfriend is jealous of my childhood playmate named Kevvy. He says that I talk about him a lot. I probably do. But it's only because I have many fond memories of him.
24. I remember my childhood vividly.
25. I was happy for most of it.
26. But I was also under the naive impression that everyone adored me.
27. Needless to say, the shock that not everyone did was a jarring one.
28. I've been called "unapproachable" and it's true. And it's my fault. But I don't know how to change it.
29. I'm friendly. But I'm not very warm. Is that how you would describe me?
30. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 23.
31. I'm glad that I waited that long, but I know that I couldn't have waited any longer.
32. Needless to say, my parents or brothers don't know about this blog.
33. And now they never will. EVER.
34. But back to the sex. Having it made me much more honest with my boyfriend.
35. I showed him the real me (which means I started yelling and crying and whining a lot more).
36. He was shocked. But he stuck around. And he's still sticking, despite some things.
37. For years my favourite burger at McDonald's was a cheeseburger with a tomato on it.
38. Now it's a Quarter Pounder with a tomato on it. A cheeseburger wasn't filling enough.
39. I have never had an eating disorder per se. But in high school I was freakishly obsessed with how much I ate. To the point where I felt guilty for eating a handful of M&Ms.
40. I'm not nearly as paranoid about that anymore, although I'm still fond of saying, "I'm the fattest kid in the world."
41. I have the world's shyest, most timid bowels and they refuse to have any sort of regularity at all. And this has been the source of much humour in my family for years and years, much to my chagrin.
42. I am actually dying of embarrassment right now over having shared that. Oh, well.
43. When I was younger, I wanted to be the following things: a psychologist, a lawyer, an actress, a writer.
44. I probably would have been good at all those things, except being an actress.
45. I'm far too self-conscious.
46. When I was 10 I wrote a short story about triplets.
47. When I was 11, I made Charkins read it. And to this day she still mentions it.
48. I wanted to be a twin or a triplet soooooo badly growing up.
49. My first kiss is pretty vague in my mind. It was with a boy who I still see periodically in my hometown. He's nasty. And I always can't help but shudder with horror.
50. I always knew boys were vulgar; afterall, I have two brothers.
51. But it took having a serious boyfriend to realize just how vulgar they are indeed.
52. I want four kids. No ifs, ands or buts. I really don't want to compromise on this.
53. But I realize that you can't always predict the future.
54. I've never really had to experience the death of a super close loved one.
55. Which is good because death scares the fucking hell out of me.
56. I believe in God. But I don't know if I like Him anymore.
57. However, I don't think that I get a big choice in the matter. Or maybe I do.
58. Charkins fucked with my head this summer in terms of God.
59. It's both a good and a bad thing.
60. When I was 11, I thought I would move to Vienna, Austria when I was a grown up.
61. I didn't actually like Vienna much when I finally visited there.
62. I just realized that I lied about stealing because stealing books from the Pink Palace in Greece was one of the funniest things I've ever done.
63. But being AT the Pink Palace was one of my most disappointing experiences.
64. I don't believe we're ever really happy in the moment. It's only in reflecting on the past that we ever gauge how we felt at the time.
65. That being said, those first six months when I was falling in love with Adders I knew the entire time that I was in ecstasy and that I should enjoy it.
66. Love has its rewards at every stage of the relationship. But it's sad when that first initial buzz starts to dwindle and you don't really care that he's seeing you with no make up on.
67. Toilet paper HAS to roll over rather than under for me. I go simply batty if it doesn't.
68. I feel like my family has fallen apart at the moment and that devastates me.
69. Yes, I've tried the sex position that goes with this number. It's also part of Adders' online name. And it's one of Charkins favourite numbers. Tamara Lee also has a white fleece outfit with this number proudly displayed. It's quite popular, wouldn't you say?
70. I want to live until I'm past 100. I'm afraid of death, remember?
71. I enjoy making up music videos to my favourite songs in my head. They're much better than the actual ones that are made.
72. I'm a hypochondriac. I don't know why. It makes my life a trillion times more stressful than it needs to be.
73. Whenever I've started dating someone, I've always tried out there last name on me, to see if it fits.
74. And I've liked the last names of all the boys I've dated. But not all their first ones.
75. I never thought life would be this boring. Or this tedious.
76. But I'd rather life be boring and tedious rather than filled with pain and suffering, even though the latter is more dramatic.
77. Sometimes I pick fights. It's not a good thing.
78. I like trying new hair products for curly hair. I'm always on the look-out for that one hair gel that would make my curls non-frizzy.
79. My goal is to try and stay the same weight that I was at 18 until I'm really old. I've heard this is the secret to longevity.
80. I'm already 5 lbs. heavier than I was at 18.
81. None of those pounds can be found on my boobs.
82. If I had more money and knew what I was doing with my life, I'd get a cat. I like cats. Much more than dogs. Though I like dogs too.
83. I recently started watching "Family Guy." It's funny. I don't know why it took me so long to get into it. That Stewie kills me.
84. I had more fun at Koocanusa last summer than I did at Invermere.
85. And that shocked the fucking hell out of me.
86. The people in my office say I don't look like a Courtney. They've rechristened me Ashley.
87. I like Courtney a trillion times better than Ashley. Although I once named a doll Ashleigh.
88. I'm weary of not knowing where I'll be in a year from now. It's been that way for too long.
89. I've never had a facial. I've always wanted one.
90. I would never survive on "The Amazing Race." I would die. Or kill my partner. Or both, in a grand murder-suicide extravaganza.
91. The only person I'd ever do "The Amazing Race" with would be Charkins (sorry Adders, but if we did it together, you'd never marry me, and that is a fact).
92. I feel like I should be doing more with my life but the thought of volunteering makes me break out into a cold sweat.
93. I wish I could have perfect skin. Mine is so very annoying and tempermental.
94. Dancing on top of PeterLynn to Michael Buble is one of my most beautiful memories ever.
95. And sitting in his tour bus with Tamara Lee is one of my most surreal.
96. I kinda wish I had a tattoo. But I think I'd regret it if I got one.
97. If a guy ever got my name tattooed on himself, I'd swoon, and pant and quite possibly melt into a puddle right there on the spot. That said, I don't ever expect any guy to do so.
98. I once thought that the Beach Boys were the epitome of coolness. But then again, this was at a time when I despised showering and using a headband was the extent of my hairstyling.
99. I don't take compliments very well. I'm very suspicious of them, and I always doubt people's sincerity.
100. I kinda wish this period in my life were over, although I don't want to wish any time of my life away. But it's just that there are too many unanswered questions and I hate feeling this stagnant and unsettled.

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So there you go. There's 100 pieces of info about a certain Miss Courty for you to go suck on. And once again, I have done nothing but play on my blog all the livelong day. Sigh. They really don't pay me enough for all the work that I do at this job.

Is it just me or did this entry depress you? So it is just me? Alright, fair enough. We'll meet back here tomorrow then. That is, if I don't go stick my head into an oven first. And then think how guilty ya'll will feel for not taking this post as a cry for help.

I'm joking. Well, kinda. Just about the depression part. But I'm dead serious about possibly using the oven tonight to assist in my demise.

And now Adders is starting to get that prickling sensation he always feels whenever he has a premonition that our next phone conversation will end in either me crying or me hanging up the phone (or if we're being truthful here, most likely both). Run for your life, Adders, run for your life.

P.S. I love you!

1 Comments:

  • At 9:21 AM, Blogger Charkins said…

    Good list. I have a few things you forgot though, allow me to help you out:

    101. you have a temper that is unmatched-- EVEN BY YOUR MOTHER!
    102. You are only ever wrong two percent of the time and even then you have an explination for being wrong that convinces you and everyone else that in fact you are right.
    103. Your favorite past time is to hang-up on loved ones
    104. you love it more than you love your hair.
    105. you used to have a shy bladder that would require special treatment such as silence and running water in order to perform.
    106. your bowels have now taken over the task of being shy as your dad likes to remind us.
    107.You once ripped your favorite cabbage-patch doll in a fit of rage
    108. this scene has since been repeated with cell phones and human heads.
    108. you used to be a very pickey eater ("white cake gives me a head ache") but now you'll eat just about anything including foods often seen on Fear Factor (Avginone anyone?)
    109. Meeting Adam was good for everyone who knows you (for a list of 100 reasons in themselves) number one of which he brought sanity into our lives.
    110. This is only 1/1000 of the reasons why we love you.

     

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