Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Friday, February 24, 2006

What I Do Know Is This

So far we've established that I don't know much about myself. Just like everybody else, I am the product of both my environment and genetics. But see, where I differ from the majority of the universe's population is that I have somehow missed out on differentiating myself from either.

Ok, that makes no sense whatsoever. Wow. You know you're in trouble when you can't even bull shit yourself anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've somehow reached the ripe old age of 24 and I don't have the foggiest clue as to who I am. I mean, I know who I am as a general person. But not as an individual.

As you can probably tell, I have been going through a bit of an existential crisis (I know, glamourous isn't it? You should try it! It's so Kabbalah except without the tacky red string!). Some might say that I'm a bit, well, young to be having one. And to this I reply, oh you poor naive fools, for once you understand where I'm coming from, I'm sure ya'll will make an exception for me. Because, adoring public, I am the exception. How come? Easy - I'm an unique recipe!

See, to concoct me (and by me, I mean an indecisive, anxious, overly-analytical, hyper-sensitive, uber-dependent, self-deceiving adult) you need to throw in 1 part small town upbringing, 2 parts conservative/evangelical Christian influence, an enormous amount of controlling/domineering parenting (and really I can't stress this ingredient enough. In fact, I won't even put down an exact measurement for this component since you just can't add enough of it to the mix) and a heaping tablespoon of the crazy, to taste. And voila! You've got me on your hands!

See the crazy?! I'm crazy! So crazy that I still make snow angels
(quite well, I might add)!

Anyhow, the point is that I've decided to compile a list of the things that, despite all the questions I have about who I am, what I like and what I want out of life, are nevertheless pertinent to who Iam. This list is made up of all the things that I actually do know about myself. For example,

1. I know that the colour pink makes me very happy.

2. That just about every Celine Dion song makes my heart swell.

3. That one of my biggest pet peeves is when people borrow your clothes, get a compliment on them but don't give you the credit. ALWAYS GIVE THE CREDIT, PEOPLE.

4. Another pet peeve is spoiled dogs, children, or just about anything else that is annoying when spoiled (I know, ironic coming from me, eh?).

5. That there is no better feeling than being snuggled in Adders' arms, lying on the couch, watching Blind Date.

6. That every time I water ski and/or wake board, I get nervous.

7. That school stresses me out. But I love it. And hate it. But love it. Also, hate it.

8. That for me, sometimes nothing beats a Diet Coke, including chocolate, sex and a free shopping spree combined.

9. That having a serious, romantic relationship is a billion times harder than I thought it would be, and about a trillion times better.

10. That nothing in the universe can make me laugh harder on command than the thought of Charkins yelling, "Cooooooouuuuurrrrrrtttttssssss, ssssaaaaavvve meeee from the monkeeeeeeeeys!" Oh, the tears. That's how hard it makes me laugh!

11. That I love handbags. Probably more than I love shoes, clothes or make-up (although I do love those too). Purses make me happy. Pink purses make me the happiest.

12. When I'm drunk, I say way too much, and get way too silly. And very loud. Like wake the whole trailer park loud.

13. That I really only exercise to stay thin. Ultimately, I hate working out. But I am always glad after I've done it. Cliche, I know. But it's true.

14. I have an extremely low boredom threshold. Boredom gets me depressed - FAST.

15. As a result, I don't like most movies or TV programs. I'm very picky. And it takes a lot to entertain me or get me to laugh out loud.

16. Despite enjoying a variety of foods, my absolute favourite is pasta (raviolis ROCK). It's pure deliciousness.

17. That if I could change anything about myself, it would be to have bigger boobs.

18. And if I weren't such a hypochondriac, I'd totally get a boob job someday (but at this point I'm too afraid to get my wisdom teeth pulled, so a new chest is out of the question).

19. That more than anything else in this world, I want to be a mother.

20. That I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have (boyfriend included) are worth more than a hundred regular pals.

21. That I can't read or watch TV for an extended period of time without rubbing my feet ('tis true! Ask Tamara Lee).

22. That hearing "I love you" from a certain someone can suddenly make everything better.

23. That by the time I've made dinner, I'm usually not very hungry.

24. That I come across as strong-willed and aggressive but am actually quite the opposite, except in a few close relationships. And yes, those are snorts of laughter you hear from two people in particular at the back of the room.

25. That happiness for me can be found on a boat, sunbathing with a book on a hot summer day.

26. That sarcasm can still be entertaining, even when suffering from a breaking heart.

27. That glamour enthralls me, and beauty humbles me.

28. That I am a total and complete hypocrite about tanning beds.

29. That I still miss my cat Riley, who has been dead for over 4 years.

30. That I drive too fast and recklessly most of the time.

31. That I have more self-doubt than what I think is a healthy level. But that I also have more self-esteem than is probably healthy too. Go figure.

32. That there is nothing worse than changing or restructuring relationships. It sucks, plain and simple.

33. That going out for dinner makes me insanely happy.

34. That going to an Ice hockey game makes me deliriously happy.

35. That I am fiercely competitive. Mostly in sports, but other things as well (except for crib. I am not competitive in the least at crib. But be warned, play with me only if you have some pink wax on hand). So be warned, if your favourite team beats my favourite team, I will take it personally and most likely will hate you for the rest of the day.

36. That I loathe it when couples fight in front of me. Makes me absurdly uncomfortable.

37. That I really do want those bigger boobs.

38. That I'll be really sad when the elastic waist on my red jogging pants finally goes. They are like a second skin to me. And they somehow make having my period easier.

39. That I can be very snobby.

40. And that I look down on people who don't read "literature" (and yes, The Babysitter's Club TOTALLY counts as literature) (So does Harry Potter) (and truck magazines!).

41. That I get nervous not having (a) my water bottle close at hand and (b) easy access to a washroom.

42. That despite it being redundant, I am freakishly terrified of spiders.

43. That I hate confrontation.

44. That I'm extremely high strung and nervous.

45. That buying office supplies is orgasmic to me.

46. And that nothing cures the blues like a trip to Wal-Mart or buying new thongs at Winners.

47. That window shopping does not work for me. Instead, it makes me more depressed. So does reading Vogue. Wow, apparently a lot of shit makes me depressed. Interesting...

48. That I don't have a preference between salty and sweet. You need both, and a bag of dill pickle chips can be just as tasty as a sour soother.

49. That one of God's greatest gifts to me was giving me a best friend who gets me, and I mean, every single aspect of me, and "gets it" without me having to say a word.

50. That no song makes me more heart sick in the world than "Song for a Winter's Night" by Sarah McLachlan.

51. That my whole day can be cheered by the thought of Tamara Lee in a purple fur toque, doing the "Elvis" dance.

52. And that if I could have written a more perfect song for Adders, it would have to be Push, which has the following lyrics:

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fal
l you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in

You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me

You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe

No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it

Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me

There are times I can't decide, when I can't tell up from down

You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown

But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day

So there's my list - fuck, all I know about myself seems to fit into an awkward list of 52 not-so-interesting-items. And Good Lord, there are only about a trillion and 52 other things that I don't know or understand about me. But hell, I guess 52 ain't bad and at the rate I'm going, I'll be done with my version of AA (Assholes Anonymous) by next Christmas. Sweet!

'Till next time, kids.

Does this look like the face of a crazy person?! Of COURSE not!

But then again, this clearly does. And yet, apparently he's the sane one in our relationship!


  • At 2:05 PM, Blogger adders69 said…

    52, whay do you have so many or don't you have more. you are sarcastic, you do drive like a maniac and I love the boat on a hot summer day. Those push poetic words could of said it better.

  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger Charkins said…

    You are loved-- as long as you know this one thing you know enough.


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