Miss Independent
Although it may seem that I have just spent the last week wallowing in self-pity (which, admittedly, I have. Self Pity? You are a true friend), I have also been doing some thinking. Hard thinking, you know? The kind that gives you a lump in your throat, a knot in your stomach and makes you tear into a bag of chocolate chips with that rare kind of fervour, such as what Leizel reserved only for water-skiing.
So where has my heavy thinking got me? Not too far, I believe. I still phone Charkins in a whiny voice each night, I still accuse Adders of not loving me enough ("Why, little Adders, why don't you love me? Is it because of the crazy? It's the crazy, isn't it? Well, fine then. You want crazy, oh, I'll show you crazy, bee-atch!") and I still have as much fury directed towards my parents as poor Ariel had when her father destroyed her cave of "human" things (Jerk. I mean, why not at least let her keep some things, such as the eye glasses. Or the phonograph). Point made? I think so. My thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere...
Except to this revelation: I have only made three (count 'em - 3!!!!!) independent choices of my own. Ever. In my entire life. Like in 24 years. I'm like the Jessica Simpson of Calgary (except minus the big boobs. Oh, and I'm not quite THAT ditzy. Oh, fine - or that hot. Plus, it's my mom who's the crazy one, not my dad. And I've never been married. Nor would I ever marry a man who has such a "clever" and "unique" tattoo, that of barbed wire wrapped around his bicep. And when I sing I don't sound like I'm mid-orgasm. And I would never, ever prostitute myself like she did in "Dukes of Hazzard" unless, of course, they paid me enough. In that case, I'd be anyone's bitch. But I digress...). WTF? What did this have to do with Jessica Simpson? Oh, right. See, she just admitted to W magazine that her divorce is the first time she's ever made an independent decision, one that disappointed other people but made her happy (or at least, will make her happy in the future). People, that's what I'm talking about, choices that I've made that I knew would make ME happy, and where I even went AGAINST parental suggestion (aaaaahhhh, I'm meeeelting!).
So what are they? Oooooh, goody! That means another list! I love lists. Lists remind me of office supplies, and if you've read my previous post, you clearly know how those make me feel! Tee hee hee. But anyways, back to my list.
#1: McGill University
McGill seemed like a strange choice for me when I was deciding where I wanted to go for my post-secondary education. For one, it was soooooo far away. Secondly, it was in Quebec (aaaaugh! Not the east! And certainly not Quebec! She'll marry a separatist and then the world will officially end. END, I tell you!). Plus, I had already been accepted to the University of Calgary and I had received a big scholarship. U of C, in fact seemed like the natural choice, what with it being cheaper (no plane tickets, a scholarship, etc) and closer to home. Furthermore, my father was downright against me going to McGill (to be fair, my mom supported my attending there, but me thinks it had more to do with her wanting to visit Montreal rather than Calgary). In the end, though, I knew that McGill was where I wanted to be. And that Calgary just wasn't. So there you have it, I went out on a limb, made a choice and fuck, am I ever glad I did!
#2: Europe
Okay, this decision obviously involved Charkins, because she was my travelling companion. However, the jury should note that not one single person was for us making this trip at the time that we did. I think even Charkins thought it was a bit foolhardy. She was still in school and had limited funds, even though the poor thing was working like 10 jobs. And I only managed to save a miniscule amount that would have hardly covered me alone for 3 months, let alone the two of us for 6. But persevered we did, and although we eventually ran out of money (oh, Visa, our gratitude for prolonging our adventure), and although my father was less than impressed when I called asking for more cash (and no, he did not give it to me. And yes, I'm still bitter. Even though for his part, it was probably the wise thing to do, and perhaps if it had been done more often, we all wouldn't be in the mess we're now in. But then again, maybe we would. Who's to say?), I am still glad that Charkins and I went when we did. Otherwise, maybe we wouldn't have made it there at all. And that would be truly regretful.
#3: Sleeping with the Enemy (I mean, Adders!)
Ok, without getting into any icky details or embarrassing the fucking hell out of my dear, dear boyfriend, it should be noted that deciding to give up my V card with a certain "Mags" was an enormously consequential decision for me. It was also one that I knew would have catacalysmic effects on both my future and the relationships with all those close to me, were they to find out. And now they have. And boy was I right. Bloody hell, I really couldn't have been more dead on in respect to this.
Which leads me into a tanget - Adders is fond of saying the following phrase: "If we only knew then what we know now." I have yet to actually call him on this and say, "What the fuck do you mean by that?" But being an insecure and suspicious female, I can only guesstimate that it means one thing, which is, "God, her parents are psycho. And fuck, this is a lot more than I bargained for. And wow, if I could do it all over again, I would probably drop her back off at home that first time she made me go through drive-thru just for a goddamned water. Because I knew then that she was crazy! I mean, seriously, who the fuck goes through McDonald's drive thru just for a water. That's it! Just water! It's nuts, I'm telling you. Like, at least order a small fry or a McFlurry, for God's sake. Water. Pfffsssshh." Who knows. But what I do know is this, that if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Seriously. Well, except maybe change doctors. Yeeeeeaaah, I'd totally do that. In fact, life would be pretty much peachy keen if I had at least made that switch back in April. But seriously, I wouldn't change the past, even though both Adders and I are living through an actual nightmare at this point, and it doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. But I love him too much, I'm too grateful for all the time we've had together, and I can't imagine not having had this past year and a half with him by my side. So change it, I would not (and why, oh why, do I keep writing like Yoda on smack?).
The point is, I think that choosing to sleep with Adders was an important decision for me because while I knew that everyone else in my life would see it was a BAD, BAD choice, I also knew that it made me so very, very happy and brought me that much closer to a person I was already head over heels in love with (still am, for that matter). In fact, having sex (are ya'll cringing yet?) was probably the most independent, grown up choice I've ever made. And I'm proud of that. I also don't regret it, not even a smidge-it. But how the fuck could I? He's that good, girls! ;) Ha ha ha, ok, baby, I'm done talking about "it" and you. Now put down the shovel and stop digging the hole you were trying to bury yourself in!
Mini #4: The dress
I have to admit that I didn't make this choice all on my own, for like Europe, it was also subjected to the influence of Ms. Schnarky. But purchasing my dress for my bro's wedding, without my mother ever setting eyes on it, and without the option of returning it, was a very big step for this pathetic 24 year old who usually stands helpless in a clothing store without her mother there to guide her. And like the other three choices, I'm glad I made it. Furthermore, Charkins was right when she stood there in the boutique and said, "You've gotta buy this dress, Courty. For reasons other than because it's gorgeous. You need to make this step to full-fledged independence" (because independence for me can be defined as the ability to shop alone and actually keep whatever I purchase). But Charkins was right. And I realized she was even more right when I was called Barbie about fifty trillion times at the wedding (oh, c'mon. Who doesn't like being compared to Barbie? Well, besides feminists? And femininsts are oh so dull) (unless they look like Barbie) (that is, like me) (which must make me Feminist Barbie) (just so you know, that makes you Female Equality Ken, Adders).
So there you go, folks, a detailed account of the only choices I've ever made independent of my parents, friends (although not so much) and other assorted loved ones. Were they the right choices? I think so. Did they make me happy? Fuckin' rights. So really, what more could you ask for?
So where has my heavy thinking got me? Not too far, I believe. I still phone Charkins in a whiny voice each night, I still accuse Adders of not loving me enough ("Why, little Adders, why don't you love me? Is it because of the crazy? It's the crazy, isn't it? Well, fine then. You want crazy, oh, I'll show you crazy, bee-atch!") and I still have as much fury directed towards my parents as poor Ariel had when her father destroyed her cave of "human" things (Jerk. I mean, why not at least let her keep some things, such as the eye glasses. Or the phonograph). Point made? I think so. My thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere...
Except to this revelation: I have only made three (count 'em - 3!!!!!) independent choices of my own. Ever. In my entire life. Like in 24 years. I'm like the Jessica Simpson of Calgary (except minus the big boobs. Oh, and I'm not quite THAT ditzy. Oh, fine - or that hot. Plus, it's my mom who's the crazy one, not my dad. And I've never been married. Nor would I ever marry a man who has such a "clever" and "unique" tattoo, that of barbed wire wrapped around his bicep. And when I sing I don't sound like I'm mid-orgasm. And I would never, ever prostitute myself like she did in "Dukes of Hazzard" unless, of course, they paid me enough. In that case, I'd be anyone's bitch. But I digress...). WTF? What did this have to do with Jessica Simpson? Oh, right. See, she just admitted to W magazine that her divorce is the first time she's ever made an independent decision, one that disappointed other people but made her happy (or at least, will make her happy in the future). People, that's what I'm talking about, choices that I've made that I knew would make ME happy, and where I even went AGAINST parental suggestion (aaaaahhhh, I'm meeeelting!).
So what are they? Oooooh, goody! That means another list! I love lists. Lists remind me of office supplies, and if you've read my previous post, you clearly know how those make me feel! Tee hee hee. But anyways, back to my list.
#1: McGill University
McGill seemed like a strange choice for me when I was deciding where I wanted to go for my post-secondary education. For one, it was soooooo far away. Secondly, it was in Quebec (aaaaugh! Not the east! And certainly not Quebec! She'll marry a separatist and then the world will officially end. END, I tell you!). Plus, I had already been accepted to the University of Calgary and I had received a big scholarship. U of C, in fact seemed like the natural choice, what with it being cheaper (no plane tickets, a scholarship, etc) and closer to home. Furthermore, my father was downright against me going to McGill (to be fair, my mom supported my attending there, but me thinks it had more to do with her wanting to visit Montreal rather than Calgary). In the end, though, I knew that McGill was where I wanted to be. And that Calgary just wasn't. So there you have it, I went out on a limb, made a choice and fuck, am I ever glad I did!
#2: Europe
Okay, this decision obviously involved Charkins, because she was my travelling companion. However, the jury should note that not one single person was for us making this trip at the time that we did. I think even Charkins thought it was a bit foolhardy. She was still in school and had limited funds, even though the poor thing was working like 10 jobs. And I only managed to save a miniscule amount that would have hardly covered me alone for 3 months, let alone the two of us for 6. But persevered we did, and although we eventually ran out of money (oh, Visa, our gratitude for prolonging our adventure), and although my father was less than impressed when I called asking for more cash (and no, he did not give it to me. And yes, I'm still bitter. Even though for his part, it was probably the wise thing to do, and perhaps if it had been done more often, we all wouldn't be in the mess we're now in. But then again, maybe we would. Who's to say?), I am still glad that Charkins and I went when we did. Otherwise, maybe we wouldn't have made it there at all. And that would be truly regretful.
#3: Sleeping with the Enemy (I mean, Adders!)
Ok, without getting into any icky details or embarrassing the fucking hell out of my dear, dear boyfriend, it should be noted that deciding to give up my V card with a certain "Mags" was an enormously consequential decision for me. It was also one that I knew would have catacalysmic effects on both my future and the relationships with all those close to me, were they to find out. And now they have. And boy was I right. Bloody hell, I really couldn't have been more dead on in respect to this.
Which leads me into a tanget - Adders is fond of saying the following phrase: "If we only knew then what we know now." I have yet to actually call him on this and say, "What the fuck do you mean by that?" But being an insecure and suspicious female, I can only guesstimate that it means one thing, which is, "God, her parents are psycho. And fuck, this is a lot more than I bargained for. And wow, if I could do it all over again, I would probably drop her back off at home that first time she made me go through drive-thru just for a goddamned water. Because I knew then that she was crazy! I mean, seriously, who the fuck goes through McDonald's drive thru just for a water. That's it! Just water! It's nuts, I'm telling you. Like, at least order a small fry or a McFlurry, for God's sake. Water. Pfffsssshh." Who knows. But what I do know is this, that if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Seriously. Well, except maybe change doctors. Yeeeeeaaah, I'd totally do that. In fact, life would be pretty much peachy keen if I had at least made that switch back in April. But seriously, I wouldn't change the past, even though both Adders and I are living through an actual nightmare at this point, and it doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. But I love him too much, I'm too grateful for all the time we've had together, and I can't imagine not having had this past year and a half with him by my side. So change it, I would not (and why, oh why, do I keep writing like Yoda on smack?).
The point is, I think that choosing to sleep with Adders was an important decision for me because while I knew that everyone else in my life would see it was a BAD, BAD choice, I also knew that it made me so very, very happy and brought me that much closer to a person I was already head over heels in love with (still am, for that matter). In fact, having sex (are ya'll cringing yet?) was probably the most independent, grown up choice I've ever made. And I'm proud of that. I also don't regret it, not even a smidge-it. But how the fuck could I? He's that good, girls! ;) Ha ha ha, ok, baby, I'm done talking about "it" and you. Now put down the shovel and stop digging the hole you were trying to bury yourself in!
Mini #4: The dress
I have to admit that I didn't make this choice all on my own, for like Europe, it was also subjected to the influence of Ms. Schnarky. But purchasing my dress for my bro's wedding, without my mother ever setting eyes on it, and without the option of returning it, was a very big step for this pathetic 24 year old who usually stands helpless in a clothing store without her mother there to guide her. And like the other three choices, I'm glad I made it. Furthermore, Charkins was right when she stood there in the boutique and said, "You've gotta buy this dress, Courty. For reasons other than because it's gorgeous. You need to make this step to full-fledged independence" (because independence for me can be defined as the ability to shop alone and actually keep whatever I purchase). But Charkins was right. And I realized she was even more right when I was called Barbie about fifty trillion times at the wedding (oh, c'mon. Who doesn't like being compared to Barbie? Well, besides feminists? And femininsts are oh so dull) (unless they look like Barbie) (that is, like me) (which must make me Feminist Barbie) (just so you know, that makes you Female Equality Ken, Adders).
So there you go, folks, a detailed account of the only choices I've ever made independent of my parents, friends (although not so much) and other assorted loved ones. Were they the right choices? I think so. Did they make me happy? Fuckin' rights. So really, what more could you ask for?
Whew, I'm weary! All of this drinking, I mean THINKING, has
gotten me so worn out. Must sleeeeeeeep now. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
gotten me so worn out. Must sleeeeeeeep now. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
posted by Divine K @ 11:23 AM
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