Confessions of the Divine Miss K

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

See It The Way It Is

Like most of the human race, when I'm in pain, all I can think about is the pain. How it hurts, how it's affecting me, when it will end, and why God, me, WHY?! Furthermore, when you've gone through as much pain as I've experienced in the past 9 month period, it's easy to assume that no one is as hard-done-by as moi. I'm on the outs in a very hurtful way with my parents, I slipped into a dark and scary depression at grad school, said grad school was useless and cost me obscene amounts of money (oh, the pain of debt...), I'm doing long-distance with my boyfriend, until recently I worked at a horrendous place of employment and for evil, mean people at that, and besides a litany of other health concerns (remember my eye infection?), Adders and I have endured one pregnancy scare after another (we're in the midst of No. 2,348,496).

I'm hurting right now. As I've mentioned before on this website, it's almost a constant daily battle to remain upbeat and cheerful. I don't think I've ever been so lonely, so confused, so aimless or so ambivalent. And because I am the type of person who handles stress/disappointment/heartache exceedingly poorly, thank you very much, this has been an especially difficult time for me (and for all you guys who have had to put up with me. And my whining. And hyponchondria. And tears. And depression. And disappointment at finding all the chocolate chip cookies eaten and insisting that you go down and pick me up a chocolate bar at Woodlands or else I may never speak to you again, now stop interrupting America's Next Top Model, Adders, it's the only thing that's keeping me going and go get me the goddamn chocolate bar already!).

But all it takes is hearing one piece of news and suddenly all those blessings, all the wonderful, valuable and fantastic things in your life that perhaps you've been taking a bit for granted, come streaking back into your mind and force you to face the glaring light of reality, which is simply that you really don't have it all that bad.

As ya'll know, Adders is the best man in his buddy Jason's wedding, an event that was to take place this Saturday. Last weekend, Adders hosted a stag in Jason's honour but by hosted I mean that Adders just organized the humiliation aspect of the stag - making Jason wear a dress complete with ball & chain, putting a zapper on his leg, teasing him mercilessly and making sure that he and all the others got completely hammered out of their minds. Jason's dad was actually the true host, providing and cooking all of the food and making sure that none of his son's friends got too out of hand.

All of Jason's family had arrived in Cranbrook for the wedding, as had the bride's, because afterall the big celebration is this Saturday. And today was Jason's dad's last day of work at the mine up in Kimberley before taking the rest of the week off to help the family with last-minute preparations.

But shockingly, Jason's dad died today in an accident at the mine. And not only am I left feeling extremely grateful for my health and wellness, as well as that of my family (on both my and Adders' sides) and friends, but I can't help but realize that my pain is absolutely incomparable to what Jason and his fiancee are now experiencing. And that humbles me. Because for all my complaining and theatrics, what I am presently going through is miniscule in terms of the grand-chart of suffering that the universe can throw at you.

And this is truly a ten on the Richter Scale of Pain. For not only has a close community lost a father, husband, friend, etc. but also a young couple have had their romantic dreams of a summer wedding dashed.

And perhaps it's shallow that it is this aspect of this tragedy that I can empathize with most, but oh, how my heart aches for the bride. Every little girl dreams of her wedding day, which we hope falls at nothing short of perfection. And I can practically taste the horror and the grief the bride is now under, not just at losing what I'm sure was a beloved father-in-law-to-be but also in now having that dream absolutely ripped in half.

Nothing I am going through is permament - my parents, Adders and I will somehow rectify matters. I will someday get a job that suits me. And, knock on wood, I will find myself without child when I am done this cycle of pills (but even if pregnancy does occur, a child still only brings nothing but joy and light into this world. Well, that and helluva lot of responsibility!). But death, it's so final. You can't unchange, undo, unsay anything with it. It ruins lives and alters realities. And it makes a Saturday that was supposed to feature a blushing bride, a nervous groom and one fucking sexy best man, into a now very sombre and heart-wrenching funeral procession.

I'm sorry. But not just for Jason or Kelly or the rest of the family for losing a man that they all desperately loved. I'm sorry. But not just for an engaged couple who's wedding day is now completely and utterly ruined. I'm sorry. But not just for Adders who just finished telling me all weekend long what a great man Jason's dad is.

I'm sorry for not appreciating and valuing all of the goodness in my life, and all of the grace that God so lavishly bestows on me day in and day out. I'm blessed. And it's about time I started celebrating that.

And Adders, it's your turn now. Take a break, baby - you've been the strong one for far too long.


  • At 9:38 PM, Blogger adders69 said…

    Thanx Courts, I find myself realizing that life is simply a privilage not a right and you truly don't know when your last breath may be. This is the worst event I've yet to encounter. I feel terible, yet thankful.

  • At 7:43 AM, Blogger Charkins said…

    I've always said you were wise, this entry is really one of your best.

    Adam, I am so sorry for your loss.


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