Happy Birthday, General Charlemagne

Okay, well, even though I am probably one of the most self-absorbed people you will ever meet, and am even more so now that I am going through PURE AGONIZING WILL THIS NEVER END WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE, MY PARENTS, MY JOB AND MY HUGE ASS ALL HATE ME HELL, I am not too self-centered as to forget the birthday of my bestest friend and closest thing to a sister, Charkins. Yes, ya’ll, Charkins is turning the big 2-5 this Saturday. And although I should probably have waited to post this on her actually B-Day, I will most likely be too busy whining at Adam to do so then. So here is an early birthday blog posting for Charkins.

So what else do I have to say to Charkins besides best wishes and I hope that the next year of your life is full of God’s richest blessings? Well, in honour of her birthday this posting is going to be an entry full of tidbits on all things Charry. From stories to quirks to how much I love her, today’s entry celebrates my dear, dear friend and honours the fact that at 25 she is at her most fabulous ever!

So to begin with, I wish to recount 10 Things You May Not Have Known About Charkins:

1. She is scared of deep water. She is even more scared of retrieving things from deep water. If she dropped the Hope diamond in a pool of deep water, there the diamond would remain for always. For ever. The end.

2. You know the phrase, “Still waters run deep”? That describes Charkins to a T. For example, just talking to her and knowing her causally you’d never realize that she is one of the most competitive people EVER. The only reason she isn’t highly competitive with me, is well, I’ve been known to, you know, maybe throw a temper tantrum or two when a game or something similar didn’t go MY way. But beware, she will kick your ass or the water ski’s for standing in her way!

3. She counts Seven Years In Tibet starring a bleach blonde haired and terribly accented Brad Pitt as her most comforting movie. Furthermore, the number of hours she has spent watching this movie may very well equal seven years. Ironic, no?

4. No one can blush on command like Charry and in her younger days when she was a trillion times shyer than she is now (although she isn’t even a smidget shy nowadays), if you so much as said hello in her general direction, she would turn a certain colour that most people get only after receiving 2nd degree burns.

5. She once tried to bribe a police officer at a checkstop with McDonald’s French fries. Somehow we didn’t get thrown in jail. This was the same summer where Charkins was determined to steal a construction orange pylon. We were bad asses like that.

6. You’d think that because she is the MASTER of head rubs that would be her massage of choice. Think again. Char’s favourite spot to be rubbed is on her nose. I repeat, on. her. nose. Luckily, being friends with her for what now seems like centuries means that I am a nose-rubbing expert. Ironically, I am now sleeping with a man who also loves being rubbed. on. his. nose. What the fuck is wrong with you people? And this is coming from someone who wears glasses and therefore would likely find a nose rub soothing! Freaks.

7. Charkins can sleep anywhere – airplane, train station, at work at McDonalds (oh, wait – that was Jebus). Even a movie theatre. Yes, I am here to testify that Charkins has fallen asleep not once but twice in a movie theatre, and that’s only on my watch. Xianity perhaps can testify to more occurrences. On the first occasion, the Redhead took Charkins and me to see “The Bridges of Madison County” to celebrate us having completed our grade nine year. Isn’t that pitiful? I mean, we had just finished grade 9, it was the summer time, we were hot, young, nubile 14 year olds and all we could come up with to do to celebrate our 2 months of summer freedom is to go see a fucking old person movie with my mom? No wonder everyone at Potland hated us. If I had a time machine, I’d go back to that night, force my stupid self to bribe Jebus into bootlegging a mickey for us, and then have gotten us so stupidly drunk to the point where Charkins’ parents would have accused us of not only underage drinking but also likely turning tricks on Van Horne Street to support our coke habit. Wow. But obviously this did not happen and instead we went to the movie theatre where Charkins demonstrated what she really thought of the Redhead’s version of a party and promptly fell asleep. And I mean, ASLEEP. Snoring and everything. But the second time this happened, it was even worse, because, people, she fell asleep (“You fell asleeeeeep?”) during THE MATRIX! I mean, c’mon – it was a revolutionary movie in its day. And Char was all, “Meh, wake me up when it’s over zzzzzz…” But I shouldn’t be surprised because fact is, I don’t think Charkins has ever made it through an entire rented movie without falling asleep at least once.

8. And then there is another movie that demonstrates the tug of war that rages inside of Charkins. Ok, so you know how cartoons and what not sometimes have an angel and a demon each perched on one shoulder? That is so Charry. There is her entirely goody-goody two shoes side of which Charkins is very proud. This is the side of Char that still drags her to church every Sunday even though she’s lost the faith. This is the side of her that can be found in her sweet, kind, gentle manner. This is the side of her that is always compassionate and nice to everyone around her. This is the side of her that is always willing to do my Grandma’s hair and make me, the actual granddaughter, look like a bitch. And this is the side of her that so strongly disapproved of us going to see “Eyes Wide Shut” at 16 years old that she practically walked out of the theatre and refused to talk to me for the rest of the night. Ya’ll, I’m not even joking about this. She thought it was wrong and naughty and all kinds of badness for us to watch that film. And I won’t even get started on “Midnight Train to Venice.” And then there is that side of Charkins who pronounced to me on my birthday last year, “Let’s get so drunk that we black out!” which is why it came as no surprise that 4 hours later we were both hunched over garbage cans, puking our ever loving guts out. This is the same girl who, while we were traveling in Europe, squealed when she saw the TV in one of our hotel rooms and shrieked, “Let’s see if we get any gay male porn!” This is the girl, well, I won’t even get into the nitty gritty of it all, but let’s just say that while at the same point in their relationship as when Adam and I were still shy about holding one another’s hands, Xianity and Charkins were getting a bit more assquainted! And before she kills me, we’ll just move on to the next number… Mwaaa haaa haa!

9. Like me, except ten trillion more times adamant about it, Charkins cannot sleep in an unmade bed. Bed. Must. Be. Made. Before. Sleeping. In. It. Period.

10. Did you know that Charkins has cotton in her knee? Just a quirk I thought you should all be aware of. Yep, cotton in her knee. No point in telling the story because it’s really boring, trust me on this. Suffice to say, cotton exists in her knee. And if she hasn’t told you this within the first five minutes of meeting her, well, chances are she just hates you. Like, Adders? Did Charkins tell you this story when you met her last December? No? That’s ‘cause she hated you and wanted you to die. Somehow though you worked her over. Which is amazing because when Charkins holds a grudge, she usually holds it forever (just mention the name of anyone from our graduating class and you’ll see her vehemence and rage!) (or anyone who ever worked at McDonald’s. Ever) (or any teacher she had at Amy Woodland, especially that mean one in Grade 6, or was it Grade 7?).

11. Last one, which is just a mini-one, Charkins didn’t have a nickname until she met me! ME! That’s right, back to ME! But seriously, she didn’t. Sometimes people called her “Charis” which sounded like “Chris” which she hated. So at 13, I came up with the nickname Char, and eventually Charkins, Charry, Charlemagne, etc were formed. Jebus also came up with the names Char-Broiled or Charcoal. Anyhow, Char is now used by mostly everyone she knows (except for her parents, the hold-outs) and little does everyone know that they have ME (again, this somehow has to be about me) to thank.

But the thing about Char, which isn’t really a quirk at all, is that she really is the most wonderful and amazing friend. I won’t bother repeating the story of how we met again and ya’ll probably already know that we became best friends in grade 8 when we both realized just how sucky the next few years of our lives were going to be and that we both needed a partner in crime to get through it. But what I will tell you is what I love most about her.

First of all, without a doubt, even more than my parents, even more than my boyfriend, more than anyone else in this world, there is no one who loves me as unconditionally as Charissa. I know this to be true. I could do anything, say anything, be anything and she would still love me and still stand by me. Not many people can say that about a family member, much less a friend and I am lucky to have both in Charry.

Secondly, Charry is a fantastic friend because she an absolute blast to be around. Sometimes she can be a scaredy-cat (like when she tried to stop me from stealing books from the Pink Palace! As if! Greek jail would have been good times!), sometimes she can be outright daring. She’s always willing to laugh at my jokes, even if no one else thinks they’re funny. And she can always come up with an appropriate “Friends” quote. Lastly, there is no one more willing to strip down naked and go skinny dipping with you than that girl.

Another thing I love about Char is that she is the most comforting, gentle, soothing person to be around, and when you’re going through hell there is no one you’d rather lean on than her. Furthermore, like the man I am so in love with, Char shares with Adders the art of subtlety. She knows what I’m thinking, she knows what I’m feeling, she knows how to gauge a mood, a statement or a look extremely well and it is this sensitivity that is so beloved by me.

A best friend relationship, especially between two women, is an unique and peculiar thing. It’s different than a familial relationship, especially mother-daughter, and it’s different than a marriage. But it is has similarities to both. It is like mother-daughter in that it desperately seeks the approval of the other, and it’s like a good marriage in that it only becomes better and stronger and more committed with time. In many ways, my relationship with Char has been like a marriage and we’re now at that lovely stage of when you’re together so long, you know the person almost better than you know yourself. Indeed, you know what the other person needs to hear without them even having to say it. I’ll admit, Char is a trillion times better at doing this than I am. But even I know when to push and give advice and when to try and just listen.

The reason I say this is that probably one of my worst downfalls is my tendency to be a hypochondriac. It’s extremely stressful not only for me, but for those who are close to me and constantly have to reassure me that I won’t be dead in the next five minutes. When I get hysterical and think I have contacted some deadly virus, I have to be treated just so in that the person can’t dismiss what I’m feeling and say, “You’re fine, it’s nothing.” But they also can’t become alarmed and think it’s serious as well, or I’ll spontaneously combust.

I think the time I thought I had rabies in Athens demonstrates Char’s remarkable talent at being a best friend, but not just any best friend, MY best friend. Even though the dog bite I received didn’t puncture my skin, I was convinced I had rabies. It didn’t help that my leg became bruised and swelled up a bit. And while Char clearly thought I was being ridonculous, she still tried to soothe me, comfort me and accompany me as we traipsed around the city, trying to find a doctor to look at it. When we finally did find someone and they looked at me as if I was insane, Char never threw this in my face. While, she never took my claims that I would soon become “Court-wolf” seriously either, she still never dismissed what I was feeling. And yet, she got downright brutal if I became too hysterical. However, when I still wouldn’t calm down, and I dragged her around the city at night for a walk because I was so anxious, she let me buy a People magazine featuring the Oscars that cost us the equivalent to $20USD to comfort me. And then she said the most wonderful, loving, comforting words she might have ever uttered and at that moment I knew I couldn’t ask for a better traveling companion or a better friend. She said, “See, Courty? The magazine is a sign that you’re going to be okay. God wants you to live to read it. So now you know that everything is going to be just fine.” And the thing is, while anyone else would think considering a People magazine as a sign from God as not only madness but also heretical, it was exactly what I needed to hear. And, in the end, she was right. But then again, Char usually is. And that’s why I am so glad I get to have her as my BFF.

Charry, I hope you have a wonderful happy birthday. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be there to take my turn washing out your puke bucket (riiiiight, because I’d so do that!) but know that I’m there in spirit. I am so lucky to have you as my friend. You truly are one of the most incredible people I know. I love you, your laugh and your tri-coloured eyes, you beautiful girl! And I miss you so very, very much. Forever and ten, right? Love you! And happy 25th!

I know I've used this pic of Charkins before, but it's the only digital one I've got. Besides, she does look as cute as Snuckerville in it! Happy 25th!