Back When A Screw Was a Screw

Hey, ya’ll! What’s going down? It’s just a regular day at the office for me, filled with staring at a wall, staring at my feet, staring out the window and scratching whatever itch arises. My job is CAPTIVATING. Anyhow, I didn’t think I was going to write anything today, but then when I began to suspect that I am dying, I decided I needed a wee bit of a distraction.

So what’s this about me dying? Well, let me let you in on a little secret. See, me? I’m a, well, to put it mildly, a bit of a hypochondriac. The slightest ache or pain and I’m sure that death is imminent. A cough just isn’t a cough, it’s lung cancer. Tender boobs aren’t just PMS, they’re pregnancy. Sore legs aren’t just sore legs, I’ve got a blood clot. Does any of this sound familiar?

Well, I have a pain in my chest. It hurts when I hiccup. Or take deep breaths. It started about 5 hours ago. I think my leg blood clot has moved to my lung and as a result, I’ll be dead soon. You should all be so lucky to read this here, my last epistle.

As I said to Charkins, I could google my symptoms. But then I might as well just kill myself off now because my resulting panic would surely do me in.

But for reals, I just hiccupped. And it hurt. Scary. Are ya’ll scared for me? Maybe, oh, I don’t know, maybe you guys could DO something, yeah, instead of just being lazy and taking advantage of the entertainment I provide you. Maybe you could provide me with LOVE, and PRAYERS, and, errrr, CHOCOLATE? I mean, what kind of friends are you? Here I am literally on my deathbed, and you are all acting as if I’m CRYING WOLF or something. Bitches.

But before we get into the meat of today’s entry, I’m going to give my precious little Adders a shout-out, if only because he survived an entire weekend of “Calming and Soothing and No-You-Won’t-Die-But-Maybe-Another-Backrub-Will-Help-You-To-Shut-Up and Generally Appeasing Miss Courty.”

I have to admit, I was on full force this weekend. And Adders, well, little Addy Bear had to do his fair share of calming the fuck down of me. He had to put up with a lot of whining, and tears, and of yanking a box through the study, threats of leaving, and of slammed doors, and of emergency room visits, and complaints about the gale force winds on the lake, and of bitching about non-existent lakes.

And you know what? Throughout it all, Adders was perfection. Despite the fact that I was in a shitty mood for a good portion of the weekend, and for the other half I was sick as a dog, Adders was lovely. He rubbed my head or my feet or both. He kissed me even when I didn’t ask. He performed artistic dances for me to REM and made fun of me for asking at lightning speed, “Is Jill home? What are you going to tell Jill? Oh my God, is that Jill? You remember what to tell Jill?” He slow danced with me in the hallway. He made me laugh with his Stewie impression (“So ahh, you’re, aah, writing a little book, mmm? A little book with maybe, errr, a protagonist, hm? A protagonist who goes through some conflict, yes?”). He played 20 Questions with me in the Emergency Room, as he literally lounged around on the cot. He let me use the fan at night, at the highest speed (although he didn’t know that I set it that high. But thank you, Baby!). He ordered us the FUCKING FAMILY SIZE of onion rings at A&W and didn’t hog all of the poutine either. He slept like a zombie (no, I mean that literally. Like, small children were scared) and that made me laugh, but whenever I would roll over and wake up, I knew he’d wake up too and that made me feel like he was watching over me. And he helped wash my car, taking extra care to get all the salt off. And despite my many tears, and a urine sample, and a big depression over what the fuck am I doing with my life, Adders never ONCE lost his temper with me. He was always patient, always sweet, always sympathetic. And yes, even though I know now that he laughed his ass off when I threw up both in a cake pan and on the side of my truck on my drive home yesterday, and has also now convinced his family that I am a complete and utter wimp (an accusation that I won’t even attempt to deny), he was just so perfect at being a boyfriend last weekend, that I can only imagine how lucky I’ll be to have him as a husband.

Thank you, Adders, for being so wonderful. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, there is nothing greater than knowing you’ve got a man who’s at your side, no matter what.

"See this man? See him? This is where my babies come from!" Joking, people! It's a Family Guy reference. But do you see this man? He's the one that I want to go to non-existent lakes with, travel to Norway with, and be with always. He's my soulmate. And I love him.

Anyhow, before I get all weepy, let’s move on. The entry today is one I found on someone else’s website, but it’s a popular memes out there in the blogging world, and because I’ve got nothing else to talk about except this here blood clot, I decided to fill it out. Here goes:

Ten Years Ago:

1. How old were you? 14

2. What grade were you in? Grade Nine. Wow. That seems both a lifetime ago and like last week. Weird.

3. Where did you go to school? Shudder, shudder, shudder. Potland. I mean, Parkland Junior Secondary School. But really, Potland was a more suitable moniker.

4. Where did you work? I hadn’t started working yet. I would occasionally accompany Charkins on baby-sitting jobs. And I had worked a few lobby shifts at McD’s but basically I was freeloading off my parents at that point. But hey, I was 14! And sweet, and cute and little!

5. Where did you live? In Crannie, of course. Good ol’ Cranberry Corners.

6. How was your hair style? Ugh. Well, Grade 9 was the best of times, and the worst of times in terms of my hair. The good was that my mother finally persuaded me to put some blonde highlights in it, so that it would no longer look drab brown. But at 14, my hair was just starting to go naturally curly and I fiercely tried to fight this (instead of just accepting my fate). So I got the Rachel haircut which didn’t work with my hair at all. Instead, I had short hair that puffed out into a pyramid. Excellent.

7. Did you wear braces? Yes. Again, ugh. But I got them off at the end of Grade 9.

8. Did you wear contacts? Yes, I got those at the beginning of Grade 9, and not because I wanted them but because my mother insisted (she really was terrified that I would turn out ugly. Well, too bad for her. Maybe if I had been ugly I wouldn’t be getting laid right now! HA!).

9. Did you wear glasses? Only when watching TV or suffering through a case of pink eye.

10. Who was your best friend? By Grade 9, Charkins had definitively taken on this much-coveted role, one that had previously been filled by Pint-Size Jesus Freak. Charkins was much better suited for being my BFF, mostly because she wasn’t a Jesus Freak (except when it came to certain Hugh Grant movies).

11. Who was your girlfriend/boyfriend? Even back then I had my share of stalkers, although no official boyfriend. John Luscher did try to kiss me though, and I did go over to his house on his birthday and once in Grade 12 he accused me of leading him on for years and years (C’mon now, John, look at me! I friggin’ look like a heartbreaker. You shoulda seen that coming. And also, you don’t hit on a girl wearing a dress with Elmo or Big Bird or whoever the fuck it was on it, for God’s sake!).

12. Who was your celebrity crush? Brad Pitt and Hugh Grant, who else would it be? Also, Charkins and I were just beginning to fall in love with John F. Kennedy Jr. But really, it was all about the Brad and the Hugh.

13. Who was your regular-person crush? Hmmm. Fuck, I really don’t remember. There was this dude who was a year older than me, and he was super hot but God help me if I remember his name. Yeah, no clue really. Although I probably still had a teeny tiny crush on PSJF’s older bro.

14. Were you a virgin? No, I lost it turning tricks at age 10.

15. How many piercings did you have? Three. Two in the left hole, because I was hip and original like that.

16. How many tattoos did you have? None.

17. What was your favorite band/singer? Oh, for God’s sake. I listened to THE worst music back then (not that I’m much better now). Ummm, well, I still really loved Michael W. Smith, as tragic as that is. Plus, I was pretty obsessed with Charkins’ “Pretty Woman” soundtrack. And who was that black singer whose CD you bought in Edmonton, Schnarks? Dionne somebody? Wasn’t she married to a cop? ;)

18. Had you smoked a cigarette yet? Not really. Although Airy Airplane (remember her?) had convinced Charkins and I to try one of those cigar cigarettes in her backyard one summer afternoon. But I didn’t inhale. It hurts the lungs, right Adders?

19. Had you gotten drunk or high yet? Okay, obviously you’re not getting what I’m saying. I was a goody-goody LOSER at age 14. I hadn’t even started swearing yet, much less drinking or (gasp!) smoking pot!

20. Had you driven yet? Not officially. But one afternoon, under the shadow of Baker Mountain, at some dude’s ranch, Charkins and I made our getaway across a farmer’s field. Good times, good times. Sad to say, no one even noticed we had left.

21. If so which car? My parents’ 1995 Grand Cherokee Jeep.

22. Which of your pets were still alive? Both – my soulmate and utter little Meower of Perfection, Riley. And that bitch dog Leizel. Just joking. I loved Leizy too. Poor little Leizy.

23. Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 1996? FUCK NO! I want my money back. I want a refund. Hell, I want a time machine so that I can travel back 10 years ago, slap my 14 year old self across the face and say, “Listen up, Girl. This ain’t going to be pretty. Life’s a bitch. University apparently gets you nowhere. And also, be extremely wary of that mother of yours. Stop telling her everything RIGHT NOW. And for God’s sake, don’t ever attend Regent College. Ever.”

And that, kids, is the lesson for today: never hope too high because in ten years you'll just be cursing all those foolish, naive, young dreams you once had. Aim low, people, aim low.

Aim low, except in love. Because 10 years ago I never thought I would fall in love with a guy who was so wonderful, and who makes my heart flip-flop every time I look at this picture.